Archive for the Podcasts Category

FtL S04E14 – Mason

CW: Child abuse – 70s child star Mason Reece gets his own sitcom, with the worst idea for a pilot plot we’ve ever seen.

 

 

This week’s Failure to Launch covers Mason, a 1975 sitcom vehicle for child star Mason Reece. Mason was already famous nationally for a number of TV commercials, so getting him is own show was a sensible decision.

The next decision the show runners made, though… look, if the content warning didn’t clue you in to this pilot’s ‘comedic’ theme, let’s just say this is the worst decision we’ve seen a pilot make in 85 episodes of Failure to Launch, bar none. If you ever wanted to hear Harry’s brain explode, this is the episode for you.

Also, the manager of the hotel from The Shining is Mason’s dad. So, there’s that?


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw, Alex Malone
Soundboard: Harry Brimage

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E20 – Piss Piss Bang Bang

Episode 220 of Punwatch, with Guest Host James Ferris!

 

 

This episode is entitled “Piss Piss Bang Bang.” Pretty gross stories, really.


Punsters: Alex Malone, David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Host: James Ferris

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

*Sorry.

FtL S04E13 – Riverworld

FtL S04E13 – Riverworld
Dead people wake up nude on a planet surrounded by other dead-but-not-dead people. And RIVERS!

 

 

It’s a packed house on Failure to Launch this week as we examine Riverworld, a 2003 SyFy original, except it’s not because it’s based on a fantasy book series. Strap yourself in for some tedious world building!

Basically, a bunch of people who died at different points in history wake up together, naked and screaming, in Riverworld, a big ol’ planet run by aliens, probably.

Along their journey, our protagonists meet:
– A neanderthal, whose savage attempts to kill people are bad
– Emperor Nero, whose classy attempts to kill people are good!
– Cameron Daddo, whose American accent is bad
– A fish-alien dude, whose paddle-steamer building abilities are good!

Will they find out what Riverworld really is? Can they get back to Earth? Will these and other mysteries be solved? Absolutely not, this is a pilot. They can’t blow this stuff early. Read the books if you’re that desperate, nerd.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E12 – Darklight

FtL S04E12 – Darklight
A secret group sworn to kill a specific demon team up with said demon to battle another group who want to kill that demon. No one likes her.

 

 

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we shine a light on DARKLIGHT, a 2004 Sci-Fi Channel saga starring Shiri Appelby (Roswell, unREAL) and Richard Burgi (The Sentinel, Desperate Housewives), as they fight demons, mad scientists and the plague with the power of blackface!

Based on the Legend of Lilith, who God created to be Adam’s wife, Lilith was supposed to live in the Garden of Eden but had the gall to ask to be treated equally so is cursed to live for eternity as a demon. Lilith isn’t thrilled with this decision, and spends centuries viciously murdering all that cross her path.

Standing in the way of her vengeance is The Faith, a top-secret organization committed to killing Lilith but when they actually get the opportunity to kill Lilith, they just give her amnesia instead. Problem solved! Right?

Now working as a florist, Lilith seems fairly disinterested in learning anything about her past or what those giant stones are doing lodged in her arm. So, when a mad scientist turns himself into a plague-spreading demonicus that will bring about the apocalypse within a couple of days, Lilith does not give a shit and neither do we.

But understanding the urgency of the situation, The Faith immediately send a rollerblading courier to provide Lilith with really cryptic messages containing mysterious clues about her identity.

Can Lilith solve their riddles in time? Will The Faith just tell her what’s happening? Why would an organization that only exists to kill Lilith, employ Lilith? Will this needlessly complex plot have a satisfying conclusion? Also how does blackface help you fight demons?

Tune in to another exciting episode of Failure to Launch to find out.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, David Shaw
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E11 – Garbage Pail Kids

FtL S04E11 – Garbage Pail Kids
A group of homeless children made of literal garbage defend the world from toy destroying adults.

 

 

This week on Failure To Launch we trash Garbage Pail Kids, starring the voices of Tara Strong (Powerpuff Girls, Fairly Odd Parents, My Little Pony) Cree Summer (Inspector Gadget, Tiny Toons) and Alyson Court (X-Men, Beetlejuice).

Based on the popular trading cards of the 80s that were in turn a parody of the popular dolls “The Cabbage Patch Kids”, Garbage Pail kids is a confusing fun mess.

The toys of the world are mysteriously going haywire and it’s up to five garbage children and a hot dog to solve the mystery! But don’t worry about that because the show starts with a UFO movie parody!

Giant ants invade the city! Overpriced toys! The Garbage Messiah! Adults hiding in bushes! Self Harm! A dirty old mattress factory! Slime! Men made of fingers and a security guard who has seen some shit! Shit you push down. Shit that never really leaves you. I need a drink.

And you will too!

So stick around and listen to what may be the strangest episode ever of Failure to Launch.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, David Shaw, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E10 – Modesty Blaise

FtL S04E10 – Modesty Blaise
A pair of sexy criminal millionaire secret agents prevent a kidnapping they stumble into!

 

 

This week on Failure to Launch we dissect Modesty Blaise starring Anne Turkel (Humanoids from the Deep, The Fear), Lewis Van Bergen (Pinocchio’s Revenge) and Carolyn Seymour (Congo and Mr. Mom).

Modesty and her friend Willie are pair of Jet settin’, knife fightin’, table hustlin’, Kmer Roug-in’, Art Stealin’, smutty fortune cookie writin’ rogues who just stumble upon a very public Kidnapping.

After saving Emma Woodhouse from the clutches of… we don’t know? Emma is reluctant to give up any information the daring duo set off to… oh they have a nap? Ok…

When the head of the Secret Intelligence Agency; Gerald Tarrant politely knocks on the door to claim Emma, Modesty won’t let her go so easily. Left with no other choice he… he just goes…

So it’s up to Modesty and Willie to… do something? to… work for Tarrant? What!?

Tune in to this exciting episode to find out; something about a computer? A dominatrix villain and her giant man baby? Does the plot reveal ever come?

Be sure to stick around for the end of this bizarre pilot. It’s really something special.


Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: Lisa Dib

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E09 – Shivers

FtL S04E09 – Shivers
Martin Dunlop helps us watch a divorced dad and his 2 kids get haunted by Horny Ghost Pirates, but fuck that, they’ve got stuffy old teachers to impress.

 

 

Find Martin Dunlop on Facebook and Twitter!

This Halloween Martin Dunlop joined us as we watched Shivers starring Lesley-Anne Down (The Bold and the Beautiful, Sunset Beach, The Pink Panther Strikes Again) and Mark Lindsey Chapman (Titanic, Swamp Thing and FTL favourite Annihilator!).

David and his daughter Amanda move into a new house, but find it’s haunted by three American revolution era Ghosts; Jack Marlowe, a highwayman who died with his dick out falling of a barn’s support beam; Cassandra, a raunchy Tavern Wench who fell off the beam along with Jack and finally; Silas, a disgusting pig-loving farm hand, whom they fell on. But who gives a shit about all that?

When Amanda’s new Teacher just shows the fuck up unannounced, she’s so disgusted by David’s loud yawning and open shirt that she pre-emptively expels Amanda. What a cow.

Can the Ghosts who were malicious, like, two minutes ago help impress the haughty Miss Gordon? Can David ever convince his kids that he doesn’t hate his ex-wife? Can Matthew… wait… there’s another kid?

Find out in this Spooky Special episode of Failure to Launch. It’s Spoooooktacular!


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Martin Dunlop
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E08 – Venus on the Hard Drive

FtL S04E08 – Venus on the Hard Drive
I.T. professional Harry stumbles upon a secret government spy program that is also a sexy lady who is out to stop him from banging his girlfriend!

 

 

This week on FAILURE TO LAUNCH we examine VENUS ON THE HARD DRIVE created by Chuck Lorre (Big Bang Theory, Dharma and Greg, Two and a Half Men) starring Oded Gross (Story producer on… Cake Boss?… Cake Boss) and the voice of Maggie Roswell (The Simpsons, Pretty in Pink).

Harry is a snarky IT worker who unwittingly uncovers Venus; a government spy program who is also a snarky sexy lady that moves in with him and his snarky snark housemate, Ozzy the snark (Lord Snark of House Snark).

More than 10 years after Weird Science, Chuck Lorre thought he’d give it another crack… but what if this time… it was a shitty Chuck Lorre show.

If you love Big Bang theory and Two and a Half Men, then you’ll tolerate Venus on the Hard Drive… and you probably wonder why we’re so hard on all these great shows. You absolute muppet.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Shaw
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E07 – Timeslip

FtL S04E07 – Timeslip
In the future banging is outlawed, so when Greg and Jenny bypass security to bang (and bang and bang and bang) on the boardroom table things don’t go how they’d expect.

 

 

This week on Failure To Launch we watched Time Slip. John Taylor from Duran Duran is “The Hacker” and he’s finally hacked the mainframiest mainframe of all. The mainframe of the future, allowing him visions of what is to come. What does this modern Nostradamus do with his power? Watch people getting it on.

A la The Twilight Zone, this vision of the future is the story of Greg and Jenny committing the crime of love in a cold robotic future where everything is on fire.

When Greg intentionally wipes their records from the security system he is shocked to find that the security system “Lee” no longer recognises him and won’t let him back in the office, so Greg has no choice but to KILL LEE.

Listen to find out if Greg and Jenny can survive this stupid STUPID game of cat and mouse on this week’s Failure to Launch.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: David Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E06 – Microcops

FtL S04E06 – Microcops
Bidra and Nardo are Intergalactic Space cops hot on the tail of dangerous space fugitive “Cloyd” guilty of the worst crime of all… hilarity.

 

 

This week on Failure to Launch we examine MICROCOPS, a 1989 sci-fi comedy about Microscopic Alien Cops who’s society is entirely made up rule abiding sticklers. So they come to Earth to learn to loosen up, party down and stop a microscopic criminal who is causing oil spills and advocating, like, you know, whatever man. WOOP WOOP.

But because they are so tiny, in order to get around this massive world they hijack the first person they stumble across; Morgan, a scientist who’s entire career involves developing a molecule that will clean up oil spills. So convenient!

Can Bidra and Nardo save earth with Morgan’s help? Can Bidra learn “What is Kissing?” Can Morgan win back the love of his life from the evil millionaire funding all his projects? And can we forget the endless “WOOP WOOPS”? Oh God the WOOPS. Make them stop.

(Apologies for the audio issues with this episode. Someone absent-mindedly turned their microphone off during the recording.)


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Shaw
Soundboard: Lisa Dib

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E05 – Slickers

FtL S04E05 – Slickers
Michael Richards, Dana Carvey and a supernaturally disobedient dog are odd-couple cops in a town whose population-to-schmaltz ratio was judged toxic by the EPA.

 

 

This week’s Failure to Launch examines Slickers, a sitcom vehicle for up-and-coming standup Michael Richards (Seinfeld, unfortunate viral footage) and SNL star Dana Carvey (Wayne’s World, that film with the egg suit.) Richards is a maverick New York cop sent to teach a young, small town Sheriff Carvey the ways of big city policing, dog training and how to name knives.

With this kind of star power, you’d think this’d be a shoe-in for at least one season. Fate, just OK jokes and unjustifiably sappy kids get in the way and leave you going… eh.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E04 – Blade Squad

FtL S04E04 – Blade Squad
In a dystopic future, a team of elite cops use rollerblades and jetpacks to fight crime. This pilot couldn’t be more 90s if it was soaked in Gak®.

 

 

In this week’s Bonus! 20% Value! episode of Failure to Launch, we examine Blade Squad, Fox’s attempt to take every 90s fad and boil it down to a concentrate, suitable for washing heavily soiled Hypercolour t-shirts.

We meet a rag-tag group of cops on their last chance, as they’re all loose cannons. A sergeant, hot off being shot in the head, recruits them into a experimental squad of his own design – normal cops, but they’ve got rollerblades and jetpacks now, plus they’re loose cannons.

But how will these loose cannons cope when the silliest show we’ve watched in years takes an incredibly inappropriate dark turn? Could this really be part of the show’s continuity?

Turns out it’s just some loose canon.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E18 – Brian’s Balls Crush Castle

Punwatch S02E18 – Brian’s Balls Crush Castle
New Punwatch, with Guest Ben Volchok, a broken round and Guest Skeletor.™

 

 

This episode is entitled “Brian’s Balls Crush Castle.” Lisa kinda broke in the middle there.

Ben has a brand new Fringe Festival show, “Ben Volchok Presents…” opening THIS SATURDAY at the Butterfly Club. It’s two episodes of original radio comedy, live on stage, and thoroughly recommended! Check it out and get tickets here.

Ben’s also on a new SynFM show, “The 90.7 Show” with former guest punster Claire Sullivan and Ian McCarthy! You can check it out live on SynFM, Thursdays at 3pm (90.7 on your FM dial), or anytime via their podcast.

You can also find him on Twitter at @zomgmouse!


Punsters: Ben Volchok, James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

*Sorry.

FtL S04E03 – Lost in Oz

FtL S04E03 – Lost in Oz
Xander Allan joins us to watch Melissa George get sucked up into a tornado and thrown into the perplexingly boring world of Oz.

 

 

You can find Xander Allan on Twitter at @crimsonxander, or catch him hosting Trivia at the Vic Hotel in Brunswick, 7:30 every Wednesday! Get around it!

This week on Failure To Launch we follow the journey Alex Wilder (Melissa George from Home and Away & The Slap), a young professional with a bitch of a boss and an approaching marriage that she’s not totally sure she’s ready for. You know what this calls for! ROAD TRIP! Into a massive tornado. Alex is transported into the magical world of Oz where she meets magical and weird characters who are mostly just normal people. The scarecrow isn’t even a scarecrow. It’s just a dude. Why do Oz like this?

They are pursued by the Ring-wraiths from Lord of The Rings into an underwater kingdom ruled by the Good Witch of the South who tells them a confusing story about how Oz is doomed and it’s all that bitch Dorothy’s fault. Along the way they meet up with a perplexing goth who has to do cartwheels or backflips every 3 seconds to help them on their perilous journey.

What dangers lie in wait? You’ll have to listen to find out. But rest assured it’ll be real dumb.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Xander Allan, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E02 – Turner & Hooch

FtL S04E02 – Turner & Hooch
Claire Sullivan returns to help us watch Biff from Back To The Future reluctantly adopt a dog, a child and several bread rolls.

 

 

Australian listeners! Over in the US, our fellow failed pilot historians (deficio-nauclerusists?) at the Couch Pilots podcast will soon dive into a curio from OUR TV history: Australia’s Naughtiest Home Videos, the doomed clip show infamously yanked from the channel 9 airways mid-broadcast.

If you’re unfamiliar with this piece of Aussie TV history, we suggest you let Jason & Blake run you through it. Look out for the episode on the 11th/12th of September!

In this week’s Failure to Launch, we ask: why would you bother remaking Turner and Hooch? Unfortunately, this 1990 TV adaption of the classic Tom Hanks ‘reluctantly looks after a dog’ film doesn’t give us any answers. It does however give us a plot that revolves almost entirely around the theft of a pecan pie though so it’s not all bad news. Also Turner seems to gain full custody of a child he arrested because there’s no room in the cells. That’s how the law works, right?

But seriously why would you bother remaking Turner and Hooch?

Well, NBC had big plans for the Summer of 1990, big dog-based plans. If you’ve listened to our podcast before you may already be familiar with Poochinski, the story of a dead detective whose soul gets transferred into a living dog. Excitingly, Turner and Hooch aired directly after Poochinski to become the titular second dog in NBC’s now legendary Two Dog Night lineup.

Armed with that really shitty pun, and the crime-solving dog market now seemingly cornered, NBC had the world at their feet. What could possibly go wrong?

Well they don’t solve any crimes. Turner does get called in to investigate the disappearance of some bread and a pecan pie, and then Hooch accordingly mauls a child, but that’s not technically solving anything. They also didn’t write any jokes. They do have an angry middle-aged man that inexplicably HATES his dog, but we’re not sure that counts as a joke. As a result we’re left with 20 minutes of the televisual equivalent of white noise that pleasingly goes quicker than you’d think.

But we all know that making the transition to the small screen is never easy (see Mr. & Mrs. Smith), so it is a welcome relief for Turner and Hooch fans to see an old friend return to lend his star power to this project. That’s right, reprising his title role, Beasley the Dog is back! They got Hooch guys! They got Hooch!


Reviewers: James Ferris, Claire Sullivan, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S04E01 – Northstar

FtL S04E01 – Northstar
GREG EVIGAN is Major Jack North, an astronaut who gains superhuman powers when he is struck right in the god damn eye by a solar flare. So naturally he uses his expanded intellect and strength to solve crime so hard he almost dies. He just keeps doing it. Just stop, Jack. Just stop.

 

 

In the SEASON 4 PREMIERE of Failure to Launch we watch Northstar; the 1989 pilot that was so insane it inspired Dan Harmon to produce the Jack Black action spoof “Heat Vision and Jack”.

We follow the baffling journey of Major Jack North, an astronaut that gets hit RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE by a rogue solar flare while on a space mission. Now, whenever he is exposed to sunlight, it amplifies all of his mental and physical abilities but it could also make his head explode. His head almost explodes a lot. He doesn’t really make any meaningful effort to avoid the sun. That’s an IQ of 1000 for you.

After his buddy Captain Moustache-tronaut is murdered it’s up to Jack and his Sexy Scientific handler Dr. Alison Taylor to track down the killer. And by track down we mean stumble around, make VERY AGGRESSIVE passes at each other and chase motorbikes until the killer just gets fed up and solves the crime for them. Why would he do that?

We wanted to start season four of Failure to Launch with a bang and what we got was a cranial explosion, but an incredibly fun and confusing one. NORTH STAR is an absolute gem of a mess and we hope you enjoy the insanity. Stick around for the rest of season 4 which we can promise will be EVEN WORSE.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E17 – Thor’s (th)Unders Enlightening with Jerzy Gwiazdowski

Punwatch S02E17 – Thor’s (th)Unders Enlightening with Jerzy Gwiazdowski
Episode 217 of Punwatch, with special guest Jerzy Gwiazdowski and not enough in-depth ice hockey knowledge.

 

 

You probably already know Jerzy Gwiazdowski. If you don’t, however, we cannot stress this enough: It is in your best interests to download and listen to Punk Assed: A Pun Cast, Jerzy’s pun podcast. It is punning on another level, and as a fan of puns, you will be a more complete person when you add Punk Assed to your podcast device.

You can also find Punk Assed on Facebook, along with clips of Jerzy & Co competing at Punderdome and the Henry Pun-Off World Championships. You can also read about his punning in a new book called Away With Words by Joe Berkowitz. It’s a look into the world of competitive punning, which is so relevant to any Punwatch listener’s interest it’s not funny, unlike the book.

We’ll also be appearing on an upcoming episode of Punk Assed, so keep an ear out for that.

This episode is entitled “Burglar Bares All: Thor’s (th)Unders Enlightening.”*


Punsters: Jerzy Gwiazdowski, Harry Brimage, David Shaw, Alex Malone
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

*Sorry.

Punwatch S02E16 – ‘Bama Borax Bowling Blowout with Andrew McClelland

Punwatch S02E16 – ‘Bama Borax Bowling Blowout with Andrew McClelland
Episode 216 of Punwatch, with special guest Andrew McClelland and a fair bit of undignified scrambling to think of songs that sort of reference mazes.

 

 

This episode is entitled “‘Bama Borax Bowling Blowout”. Big thanks to Punwatch contributor Hamish & Special guest Judge Ryan, and Dave for being a good sport.

Andrew’s beaut Indie-pop dance night, Mr. McClelland’s Finishing School, is wrapping up in October. So if you’re in Melbourne, get down to the Bella Union on a Friday night & dance your arse off before it’s too late! You can also find Andrew’s DJ and/or comedy stylings around town – keep up with his movements via @andy_mcclelland on Twitter, and on Facebook!


Punsters: Lisa Dib, Andrew McClelland, Harry Brimage, David Shaw, Alex Malone
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E15 – Tubby Terror Flogs Fake Fauna with host Alex Malone

Punwatch S02E15 – Tubby Terror Flogs Fake Fauna with host Alex Malone
Episode 215 of Punwatch, with host Alex Malone and more Kylie Minogue puns than you can shake a well-insured butt at.

 

 

This episode is entitled “Tubby Terror Flogs Fake Fauna”. Shoutout to all our Bellarine Peninsula fans.


Punsters: Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage, David Shaw
Host: Alex Malone

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E14 – Shonky Sharks Plunder Pool with host Harry Brimage

Punwatch S02E14 – Shonky Sharks Plunder Pool with host Harry Brimage
Episode 214 of Punwatch, with host Harry Brimage who did well and is a good boy.

 

 

This episode is entitled “Shonky Sharks Plunder Pool”. Harry’s twitter handle is @brimdang, if you wanna do what Lisa said. Alex’s album is available now at your local Brashs.


Punsters: Lisa Dib, James Ferris, Alex Malone
Host: Harry Brimage

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E13 – Robo Willie with host Lisa Dib

Punwatch S02E13 – Robo Willie with host Lisa Dib
Episode 213 of Punwatch, with host Lisa Dib and super-chill, pleasant vibes. And a bionic dick.

 

 

This episode is entitled “Robo Willie.” Some weeks you don’t need to overwork it.


Punsters: Harry Brimage, James Ferris, David Shaw
Host: Lisa Dib

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E12 – Curry Closure Causes Sibling Split with Jennifer Wong

Punwatch S02E12 – Curry Closure Causes Sibling Split with Jennifer Wong
Episode 212 of Punwatch, with guest comedian & veteran punster Jennifer Wong and a smorgasbord of Indian cuisine puns.

 

 

This episode is entitled “Curry Closure Causes Sibling Split”. Alex was gonna host, so all the stories are Alex-style picks. One day soon.

Melbourne listeners: Jen is performing her show, “How to English Harder” at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival! The show is on from the 11th to the 23rd of April at the Forum Theatre. Get in quick and see her before she scarpers back to Sydney! Get tickets here.

You can also find Jennifer on Facebook or on Twitter @wojennifer – tons o’ puns there – or at her website, jenniferwong.com.au


Punsters: Jennifer Wong, Lisa Dib, James Ferris, David Shaw
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E11 – Cops Cop Bogus Burger

Punwatch S02E11 – Cops Cop Bogus Burger
Episode 211 of Punwatch, with guest host David Shaw and REVENGE

 

 

This episode is entitled “Cops Cop Bogus Burger.” You’ll also hear a promo for Cherry’s new series, “A Brief History of Memes: Part 1.”


Punsters: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone and Andrew Cherry
Host: David Shaw

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

*grumble grumble other bands are OK as long as they’re Outkast grumble*

 

The Summer of Joe Lara – Hologram Man

The Summer of Joe Lara – Hologram Man
Joe fights his ultimate nemesis – another B-movie actor with even 90s-er hair than Joe’s! Or he would fight him, if not for the constant explosions.

 
 

In this final instalment of The Summer Of Joe Lara, Rookie Cop Joe *EXPLOSION* his greatest foe; a beefier, taller version of *MASSIVE SHOOTOUT* incredible hair.

Just when Joe thinks *FLAMETHROWER* in jail forever, this anarchist-terrorist *BIGGER EXPLOSION* a Hologram Terrorist! *LASER PISTOLS* Joe must *MAD MAX-STYLE RAMMING TRUCK* before he *6 COP CARS EXPLODE* a hologram too!

*FORCE LIGHTNING* until *RETIRING COP DIES* *COPS WITH MACHINE GUNS* *ARMS RIPPED OFF* *MULTIPLE RUBBER MASKS* he *COP STANDING ON CAR SHOOTING AT LEAST 20 CRIMINALS DEAD* until *ACTORS WHO CAN’T DELIVER ZINGERS DELIVERING ZINGERS* *FORGETTABLE EXPLOSIONS* *HOLOGRAM BATTLE* *LIMO EXPLOSION*

 


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: *EXPLOSION*

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E10 – Parrot Slams Piers: Piss Off

Punwatch S02E10 – Parrot Slams Piers: Piss Off
Episode 210 of Punwatch, with returning guest comedian Peter Jones!

 

 

This episode is entitled “Parrot Slams Piers: Piss Off.” Dave and Lisa get to talk about Budgies.

Check out Peter on Instagram @thepeterthejones!


Punsters: Peter Jones, David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone and James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E09 – Take That! Toey Tortoise Clocks Carpool Cockhead

Punwatch S02E09 – Take That! Toey Tortoise Clocks Carpool Cockhead
Episode 209 of Punwatch, with special guests Michael Williams and Sarah Baggs!

 
 
Michael’s Moosehead-awarded show, Escape from a 90s Educational CD-ROM, is on during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, March 30th to April 23rd. Don’t miss it!*

The Consumption also heartily recommend you check out Michael & Sarah suite of podcasts – Pop Quiz Hot Shot, It’s A Duck Blur, Wikihow We Do It and Sperging Out.

Also, this episode had some stuff about Pierce Brosnan, tiny knots and other crap. The usual frolicking fair.


Punsters: Sarah Baggs, Michael Williams, David Shaw, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

*If you do, one day your parallel universe self who did see it will cross over just to tell you how good it was, and you’ll be filled with regret. Don’t let that parallel arsehole have all the fun.

Punwatch S02E08 – Sleuth Studies Stadium’s Boiled Banana Bust

Punwatch S02E08 – Sleuth Studies Stadium’s Boiled Banana Bust
Episode 208 of Punwatch, with guest Matt Harvey and 5 other punsters. It was raucous.

 
 
Check out Matt’s podcast, Just For Funny! We’re on episode 23, just fyi.

This episode is entitled “Sleuth Studies Stadium’s Boiled Banana Bust”. No one actually boils bananas, though. Sounds kinda gross.


Punsters: Matt Harvey, Lucy Shaw, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, James Ferris, Harry Brimage
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

The Summer of Joe Lara – Starfire Mutiny

The Summer of Joe Lara – Starfire Mutiny
Joe Lara fights a sleepy white supremacist during what isn’t a mutiny on a ship that isn’t called Starfire.

 
 

Our second Joe Jaunt™ is a piece from the twilight of his cinema career, Starfire Mutiny, another post-apocalyptic sci fi, this time with a complete absence of American Cyborgs (boooo.)

Joe captains the USS Legacy, a massive cryo ship orbiting a dead Earth, holding the last remnants of humanity in stasis. It’s a dull life; a good part of his day to day job is porn distribution (seriously.)

But when a band of space pirates show up, led by the world’s most low energy white supremacist, things quickly get even more boring and extremely sleazy god damn this film is dogshit.

 


Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Lisa Dib

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

The Summer of Joe Lara – American Cyborg: Steel Warrior

The Summer of Joe Lara – American Cyborg: Steel Warrior
Joe Lara fights a cyborg with a bad moustache for the future of humanity, in a film that rips off Children of Men despite preceding it by 20 years.

 
 

Longtime Failure to Launch listeners will be familiar with the work of Joe Lara, either as Tarzan in Tarzan in Manhattan or DJ Matt in Danger Island. You’ll also be aware of our undying affection for the man, and his superb list of b-movie credits on IMDB: Steel Frontier. Hologram Man. Final Equinox. Very Mean Men.

Despite the fact that these are films, not TV pilots, we at Failure to Launch could not leave these glorious titles unexamined. So, over this Australian summer, we’re submersing ourselves in the waters of Joe Lara’s oeuvre (which, turns out, is full of cyborgs.)

First cab off the rank is American Cyborg: Steel Warrior, a post-apocalyptic tale in which Joe, The Man With No Name Who’s Name Is Austin, must save a young woman and her very-dead-looking-fetus-in-a-tube from a killer cyborg with a killer moustache. It’s everything you’d hope it to be; cheap, ambitious, produced by the guys who did Superman IV and Over The Top (the Stallone film about arm wrestling), and it has Joe Lara! Get listening.

 

View post on imgur.com

Joe loses an arm and gains 40 facial expressions.

 


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: David Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E07 – Party Prince’s Radish Rap Roast

Punwatch S02E07 – Party Prince’s Radish Rap Roast
Episode 207 of Punwatch, for the new year and a new you that enjoys way to many obscure fruit puns.

 
 

This episode is entitled “Party Prince’s Radish Rap Roast”. That fruit round may have killed Dave.


Punsters: David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, James Ferris, Harry Brimage
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E19 – Running Delilah

FtL S03E19 – Running Delilah
BILLY ZANE turns not-great-spy Kim Cattrall into a robot after her not-great-spying gets her killed. She’s still not-great at spying, but at least she’s a robot.

 
 

In this week’s episode of Failure to Launch we follow undercover agent Delilah (Kim Cattrall, Sex in the City) working with Billy Zane (Billy Zane, BILLY FUCKING ZANE) to take down a weapon smuggling crime boss from the inside. But when her cover is blown, a deadly game of cat and mou… nope, nevermind, they kill her straight away.

Delilah is brought back to life with a science montage and turned into a crime fighting machine (literally). As Delilah and BILLY ZANE (Billy Zane!) work together to stop a terrorist getting his hands on a nuclear weapon, the sparks fly (literally) as the bad guys wilt under Delilah’s (literally) steely gaze and massive structural damage (literally).

Did we mention Billy Zane is in this?


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lucy Shaw, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone
Soundboard: David Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E06 – Derrière Drone Swipes Shiny Snag

Punwatch S02E06 – Derrière Drone Swipes Shiny Snag
Episode 206 of Punwatch, with a surprise return Punster.
This episode is entitled “Derrière Drone Swipes Shiny Snag – Icelandic Pirates Pull Off Golden Sausage Heist With Arse Drones”. Thanks to Punwatch contributor Hamish for the Icelandic Politics story!


Punsters: David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, Lucy Shaw, James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E18 – Starstruck

FtL S03E18 – Starstruck
In this week’s Failure to Launch we join the Mcallister clan as they dish up their famous homemade apple pie at the Midway Inn. On a space station. In the twenty second century. To aliens.

 
 

1979 was the perfect time to cash in on the Star Wars craze, so what better way than to make the Beverly Hillbillies in the Mos Eisley Cantina.

We follow the Mcallisters getting through breakfast, a singer desperate for a job, a talent agent who can’t get no respect, a megalomaniacal Billionaire intent on buying up all the apple pies, a pair of very sexual Scottish robots and a black guy punching a really big egg.

This may be one of the most insane shows we’ve ever seen. So get yourself some apple pie, a nice warm glass of merk (yes, merk), and relax to our screams of confusion. It’s a doozy.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: David Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E17 – Mr. Ed

FtL S03E17 – Mr. Ed
This week’s Failure to Launch sees the return of a horse of course. Of course, if you’re making a show about a talking horse, of course that horse will be a family-friendly lovable horse, unless of course that horse is Mr. Ed.

 
 

In 2004, Fox decided that everyone’s favourite talking palomino, Mr. Ed, needed a reboot…or should we say re-hoof? No. No, we should not.

Fearing that the concept may be a bit dated for modern audiences, Fox cast George Jefferson himself (or at least Sherman Hemsley), to transform Mr. Ed from a talking horse into to a straight-talking horse. Apparently in 2004, we really wanted Mr. Ed to be edgy.

If you’ve ever thought; “If only Mr. Ed was a misogynistic homophobe that spoke endlessly about his sex-life and fifteen year-old girls”, then you have some serious issues that need resolving, but this is also the perfect show for you. Because for the next 19 minutes, this is exactly what we get.

Meanwhile, Wilbur Pope, has a problem (well he has many problems but we’ll get to those later), his fifteen year-old daughter has gone to a club and vomited, so naturally, he upends his entire family from New York and moves them to the kidnapping capital of the world, Granite Falls, where he plans to run a legal practice from out of his barn.

But if you think this sounds like the actions of a desperate father spiraling out of control, you would be wrong! Because apparently that horse that’s just wandered into his law-barn is talking to him, and he’s going to stop Wilbur from getting pushed around.

Within minutes of meeting Wilbur, Ed becomes obsessed with preventing Wilbur’s daughter from having sex, and while we may never know why he is so heavily invested in this, we do know that he is definitely willing to maim a teenage boy over it.

It’s probably fair to say this version of Mr. Ed isn’t the horse we all know and love, but you have to understand it was 2004, and audiences just expected horses to hate teenagers, hippies, and women.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, David Shaw
Soundboard: Lisa Dib

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E16 – Journey to the Center of the Earth

FtL S03E16 – Journey to the Center of the Earth
F. Murray Abraham fires himself into a volcano and dies. Later, a group of generic arseholes do the same, but without the dying so it can be a TV show.

 
 

This week’s Failure to Launch journeys NOT to the center of the Earth, but just a bit under it to The Inner World, a land of miniature sets, puppet Space Manta Rays and liberal Yetis.

After his uncle Harlech’s attempt to get to this Inner World fails (spectacularly, if also predictably), Captain Chris Turner assembles a crew of generic TV sci-fi types, the world’s most English Englishman and one really angry bloke and sets off after him.

At least, we think for him. They’re also after the supposed treasures of the Inner World, which include new food sources, limitless energy and space age technology, all of which their ship already has oh fuck this thing is a glorious mess just listen we’ll do our best to explain.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: David Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E05 – Pilfering Pine’s Plunge

Punwatch S02E05 – Pilfering Pine’s Plunge
Episode 205 of Punwatch, back after a month off to talk about ancient Greek sex toys.

 
 

This episode is entitled “Pilfering Pine’s Plunge.” Thanks to Punwatch Contributor Georgina for the Man Tree story!


Punsters: Alex Malone, David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E15 – Jessica

FtL S03E15 – Jessica
Jessica Simpson, beloved pop-star, struggles to launch her career in television by playing a beloved pop-star struggling to launch her career in television.

 
 

This week’s episode sees the return of Failure to Launches most divisive star, Jessica Simpson, in a 2004 pilot built on one simple fact of life; Beautiful women will instantly turn any male into a desperate blabbering idiot and any woman into a raging ball of jealousy. We meet Holly and Joe, two snobbish, intellectually elitist journalists – who we’re supposed to love I think? – who are forced to work with the kind-hearted, yet dumb as a post singer Jessica Sampson. Cruel sniping and hilarious workplace sexual harassment ensues.

And although the show might occasionally get a little un-pc, in the end it pulls together for a heartfelt message that all young women, nay all people can rally behind; Ladies, if you want a man to like you (and we know that every single one of you thinks about nothing but that at all hours of the day) then don’t talk to him, let him get to know the real you and use that mouth for smiling. Not talking. Boys hate that.

So join us as we become frequently distracted from the barely existent story to focus on more important issues. Such as, the conduct of Russian McDonalds employees, whether Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift right for each other and the funniest way to mispronounce hippopotamus.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: Harry Brimage

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E14 – The Ghost Writer

FtL S03E14 – The Ghost Writer
Anthony Strack is a horror novelist with writers block, a new wife, a dead wife, a creepy son, a deeply confusing housekeeper and a new daughter who needs the child protection services right fucking now. Seriously. Call them.

 
 

Portrayed by Norman Bates himself, the great Anthony Perkins absolutely nails this surprisingly ok three camera sitcom.

We follow Elizabeth (Anthony’s new wife) as she tries to adjust to life with the Stracks and living in the shadow of a massive portrait of Anthony’s deceased wife.

When Elizabeth takes down the painting and unleashes Anthony’s ex wife’s spirit it’s up to Anthony to look dead into the camera and make puns with the speed and determination of a serial killer.

We absolutely loved this bizzare Adams family meets Married with children-esque show and we’re sure you will too.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: David Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E13 – Dr. Strange

FtL S03E13 – Dr. Strange
1970-era Dr. Strange battles Jessica Walters with Kung-Fu, lasers and the best afro/gold chains/porn ‘stache combo we’ve seen outside of World Series Cricket. Guest starring Michael Williams and Sarah Baggs!

 
 

Guests Michael Williams and Sarah Baggs (of Pop Quiz Hot Shot and It’s A Duck Blur fame) join us to ask the question: Is the new Benedict Cumberbatch movie the true live action Dr. Strange, or does it need more boring lasers, villainous poops and guys called Wong who definitely aren’t servants?

When the aforementioned evil poo sends Morgan le Fay to Earth on a mission to kill the Sorcerer Supreme, it’s up to Dr Strange to try to get laid and kinda hope that lines up with stopping le Fay. This makes sense, because this was made in 1978 – the hair is 70s, the special effects are 70s, the racism/sexism is 70s etc. This is maybe the most 70s thing we’ve watched.

Either way, before you go see the new Dr Strange, give this a listen first. Nothing improves a film like lowered expectations. You’re welcome.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Michael Williams, Sarah Baggs & Alex Malone
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E12 – Sawdust

FtL S03E12 – Sawdust
Dad accidentally buys a circus, and won’t stop firing people & injuring his kids until he makes it work, damnit!

 
 

Ever wondered what it would be like to run a circus? Chartered Accountant Mac Galpin hadn’t, but that didn’t prevent him from ‘accidentally’ buying one, deciding to run it rather than on-selling the assets and forcing his family to join him on this foolhardy quest, as pre-2000s TV dads were want to do.

This is the premise of Sawdust, another pilot from the late-80s CBS Summer Playhouse (oh, how we love you, you bottomless shitbarrel.) That said, it’s less about circus administration and more about… unionised workforces versus the ruling class? I think? Also, there’s a sexy gorilla at one point.

There’s a lot going on, and not much going on at the same time. This is the paradox of bad television, and Sawdust does not disappoint.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, David Shaw
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E11 – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

FtL S03E11 – Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Cam Tyeson helps us examine a TV adaptation of the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie movie (without Pitt and Jolie, obvs) that gets worse in a way you probably didn’t expect.

 
 

Cam Tyeson joins us to discover: What happens when you take the star power and sex appeal of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and replace it with the um… general pleasantness of Jordana Brewster and Martin Henderson? The answer is domestic abuse, sadly. Go figure.

Brewster and Henderson fill in for the roles as Jane and John Smith, an average suburban couple who are secretly highly paid contract killers and who less secretly hate each other.

When John loses his job, this former professional murderer decides to reroute that energy into obsessively stalking his own wife. Sounds like an improvement, right? (It’s not.)

So join us as we watch these two crazy lovebirds bicker and kill their way across Prague. It’s a wacky and romantic action adventure with a hero who impulsive backhands his wife in the mouth when she disobeys him. If you love laughs, thrills and potentially fatal spousal abuse then what’s wrong with you? Seriously, thats awful. Why would you like that? Get some help. But you’ll probably dig this episode at least, you monster.

Find Cam on Twitter!


Reviewers: James Ferris, Cam Tyeson, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: David Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E10 – Justice League of America

FtL S03E10 – Justice League of America
90s live action Justice League! Which means no Superman. Or Batman. Or Wonder Woman. Plus, it’s mostly about relationships. Also, David Krumholtz.

 
 

To make any sense of Justice League of America, you need to remember that Lois and Clark was a big thing. Which is why there’s no Superman. Batman and Robin was also a thing, so there’s no Batman.

Lois and Clark being a thing might also explain why the pilot’s mostly about relationships rather than, I dunno, superhero stuff. Lois and Clark doesn’t explain the stalking though. Or the JLA kidnapping people. Or the odd casting choices. Or why the writers couldn’t think of anything remotely useful for the Atom to do.

The 90s does explain David Krumholtz, though. We love you, David Krumholtz.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, David Shaw, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E04 – AFL Grand Final Edition 2016

Punwatch S02E04 – AFL Grand Final Edition 2016
The 2nd Annual AFL Grand Final edition of Punwatch, in which Cameron Tyeson joins us again to pun on about Giants, #Fourthawn and the KFC Travis Cloke incident no-one’s talking about (with good reason).

 
 

Check out Cam on Twitter!


Punsters: Cameron Tyeson, Alex Malone, David Shaw, James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E09 – Parallels

FtL S03E09 – Parallels
Martin Dunlop joins us to ask: Hey you guys remember Sliders? Well apparently somebody at Fox apparently didn’t since they tried to make this shit in 2015.

 
 

What to say about Parallels? I could tell you about how the most sympathetic character in the show is gun toting conspiracy theorist, who sets out to bomb his own people with nuclear weapons. I could tell you that the main characters are a desperate whining loser with an severely unhealthy crush, a violent bully without a Facebook account and a bratty sociopath who considers their impending death a time to make jokes and get laid. These are our heroes. So likeable!

I could tell you about how these monstrous jerks end up in a magical skyscraper, chasing their mysterious (and frankly deranged) father across a multiverse of parallel universes, while being chased by three of the ugliest sons of bitches you’ve ever seen. Just… damn. Those dudes. Gross.

But all I really need to tell you is that it’s Sliders. It’s just basically Sliders and that was alright wasn’t it? Yeah this is kind of alright too I suppose.

Oh also I think there’s a girl in there or something. She might be brunette. I’m not sure, they didn’t really get into it.

Find Martin on Twitter, or check out his website Nihilisticles!

Show notes:

Wiki – Parallels
IMDB – Parallels


Reviewers: James Ferris, Martin Dunlop, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: Lisa Dib

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E03 – Hydra Duck Foiled

Punwatch S02E03 – Hydra Duck Foiled
Episode 203 of Punwatch, in which guest Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall is haunted by the ghost-puns of Ben Volchok! OOOOOooooo Ben scored a spooky point.
This episode is entitled “Hydra Duck Foiled.” Thanks to Punwatch Contributor Hamish for the excellent Kim DotCom story!

Go look at Alasdair on Twitter and FaceBook!


Punsters: Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall, David Shaw, Lisa Dib
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E08 – Secret Talents of the Stars

FtL S03E08 – Secret Talents of the Stars
Claire Sullivan guests on this week’s Failure to Launch, in which Elaine’s boss from Seinfeld hosts a talent show with b-list celebrities doing things they’re OK at.

 
 

Talent shows are the shredded iceberg lettuce to broadcast TVs salad; a great space filler that, while nutritionally void, is hard to get wrong. You just need talent, or failing that, star power.

(Alternately, core it first, remove the thinnest leaves, chop finely and refrigerate until serving #icebergtips)

But what if you have neither? Well, you get Secret Talents of the Stars, a show where you can watch B to C list celebrities a) do something one step removed from what they’re already famous for, b) do something they’re not great at, or c) do something they’re really quite bad at.

(Alternately, a) rocket lettuce can work if dressed to counter it’s iron-rich bitterness, b) carrots & radish, grated at length and topped with ginger and lime zest is a Thai-inspired delight, or c) cabbage is a reasonable swap, but be sure to finely slice any coarse leaves to prevent them from overwhelming any subtler flavours in your salad #greensRgreat)

Or, d) watch George Takei put on a cowboy hat and have some dickhead hurl homophobic slurs at him.

You know what? Iceberg lettuce sucks.

 

Claire is performing in 2 shows at this year’s Melbourne Fringe Festival, because she’s an intrepid go getter: PO PO MO CO and I Wish I Owned A Hotel For Dogs. Check them out!

Show notes:

Wiki – Secret Talents of the Stars
IMDB – Secret Talents of the Stars
Reality TV World on STotS cancellation


Reviewers: James Ferris, Claire Sullivan, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: Harry Brimage

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E07 – Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again

FtL S03E07 – Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again
Eternal teenagers Archie, Betty & Veronica are transformed into adults with ‘adult’ problems. Serious ‘adult’ problems.

 
 

Ever heard of The Bradys? In 1990, ABC were kicking afternoon butt with the Full House/Family Matters power hour, and CBS needed something to compete. Why not steal ABCs own Brady Family and use them against ABC?

Starring the original now-20-years-older cast, The Bradys reworked the original sitcom into a dramedy, with the following setup:

– Bobby is a former racecar driver, paraplegic after a crash
– Peter is trapped in an abusive relationship
– Jan and her partner are unable to conceive
– Marcia is an alcoholic whose husband is fired by Mike

It still had a laugh track.

The show was canned after 6 episodes due to poor ratings. Some suggest that Uncle Jesse and Urkel were a source of unlimited power foolishly squandered, but others suspect a) the characters were worn out and b) even i they weren’t no-one wanted to see the most innocent characters TV ever saw thrust into such cartoonishly adult situations.

If this sounds like a colossal train wreck, bear this in mind; NBC tried to do the same thing with Archie comics 2 months later and fucked it up worse.

Show notes:

Wiki – Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again
IMDB – Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again
Cult Oddities’ entry on this pilot
People Magazine’s review from 1990


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, David Shaw
Soundboard: Alex Malone

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E02 – Boat Busts Crowned Caper

Punwatch S02E02 – Boat Busts Crowned Caper
Episode 202 of Punwatch, in which special guest Ben Volchok breaks a significant record.

 
 

This episode is entitled “Boat Busts Crowned Caper”. Thanks to Punwatch Contributor Georgina Lee for the excellent Tambourine story!

Check out Ben Volchok on Twitter and Tumblr, or at one of his THREE* Melbourne Fringe Festival shows: Ben’s Illustrious Fact Show: Episode 3, Mudcrabs in Space or And Then There Were Not As Many!


Punsters: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, David Shaw
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

*Goddamn.

 

FtL S03E06 – Rag and Bone

FtL S03E06 – Rag and Bone
Two cops. Ones a priest, the others a ghost. If you’ve ever heard a better pitch, it probably made it past the pilot stage.

 
 

Dean Cain plays a Louisiana cop who is also a priest and a little league coach. But things get complicated when he shoots down one of his former baseball players, putting him under investigation by internal affairs. Things become additionally complicated when his ex lover is embroiled in a political scandal of murder and blackmail.

Things get really complicated when he starts being haunted by the ghost of Robert Patrick who doesn’t seem to want to help with anything at all. Shit gets just plain messy when that ghost cop has his own murder at the hands of prohibition era gangsters to solve and finally everything just basically falls apart when his partner starts telling him stories about alligators.

How do all these events tie together? They don’t. But it’s Dean Cain! Isn’t he great?

Show notes:

Rag and Bone – IMDB


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: David Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S02E01 – Mannequin Crime Rampage

Punwatch S02E01 – Mannequin Crime Rampage
Season 2 of Punwatch! More puns! New rounds! Modified artwork! Probably shouldn’t have a vomit story and a poop story in the one episode! Oh well!

 
 

This episode is entitled “Mannequin Crime Rampage”. Also, check out Punwatch’s new Facebook page! Daily #ShouldaBeenaPuns, flashbacks, and new episodes.


Punsters: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, David Shaw
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E05 – Mr. Stitch

FtL S03E05 – Mr. Stitch
Wil Wheaton and Rutger Hauer spice up Frankenstein with car chases and giant eyeballs. Contains traces of blackface.

 
 

Here’s the scenario; You’re writer/director Roger Avary. It’s 1995. In the last two years, you’ve won a Best Original Screenplay oscar (Pulp Fiction) and had a successful directorial debut (Killing Zoe). For your next project, you’ll be working with Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner) on a modern reboot of Frankenstein he’s producing and starring in. Ron Perlman (The City of Lost Children, Hellboy) and Wil Wheaton (Star Trek: TNG) are also attached. What could go wrong?

Just about everything.

Awful dialogue, Year 8 pseudo-philosophy, inexplicable giant floating eyeballs and 40 goddamn minutes spent in a white void. There were severe ‘creative differences’ on set, and it shows. A waste of a Ron Jeremy cameo (Porn).

Show notes:

Mr. Stitch – Wikipedia
Mr. Stitch – IMDB
Review – Entertainment Weekly
Wil Wheaton’s Blog about Ron Jeremy


Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Lisa Dib

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E31 – Nick Kyrgios Steals Motorbike To Run Over Pokemon

Punwatch S01E31 – Nick Kyrgios Steals Motorbike To Run Over Pokemon
This week’s Punwatch, with a small nation’s GDP worth of Pokemon puns. Topical!

 
 

This episode is titled, “Nick Kyrgios Steals Motorbike To Run Over Pokemon”. Bit of housekeeping: Punwatch is moving to a fortnightly schedule, due to a few other commitments taking up our time. Hopefully with a little more time to work on them, the puns should get better. Hopefully.


Punsters: Alex Malone, James Ferris, Lisa Dib
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E04 – Clerks

FtL S03E04 – Clerks
Kevin Smith’s Clerks, adapted for TV. So, no swear words. Or sex jokes. Or charm.

 
 

In 1994, the indie film Clerks won Kevin Smith critical acclaim and the beginnings of a cult following, praised for it’s witty writing and authentic voice. Touchstone attempted to capitalise on the film’s success by snapping up the TV rights and producing a pilot.

Trouble is, they wanted a family sitcom. So, uh, try to imagine Clerks without Jay & Silent Bob. Or swear words. Or sex talk. They also took all the charm out and made everyone a jerk. That didn’t seem totally necessary for a sitcom, I think that’s what they thought Clerks brought to the table? Either way, it’s shit.

Show notes:

IMDB – Clerks
LostMedia Wiki – Clerks


Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E03 – NYPD 2069

FtL S03E03 – NYPD 2069
A frozen cop wakes up in 2069 (nice) and plays Failure to Launch Cop Show Pilot Bingo – No Fun Edition™.

 
 

Alex Franco is a tough New York cop investigating a rape and murder (like in Nikki & Nora) who gets frozen (like in 1994 Baker Street) and travels through time (like in Out of Time) to a dystopic future where all the world’s terrorists have banded together (like in Nick Fury) and the cops use stupid guns (like in 17th Precinct) and unrealistic gene therapy (like in Fearless).

He has to team up with a distant relative (like in Out of Time again) who is now a dog (Poochinski) to solve crimes whilst on a dirt bike (Evel Knievel) and wearing synthetic skin (Darkman) for a reality TV show (Hollyweird) about a fight between Angel and Demon-themed professional wrestlers (Earth Angels, Tag Team).

Okay, I started making things up somewhere in there, but this really is a Failure to Launch Cop Show Pilot greatest hits album.

Show notes:

IMDB – NYPD – 2069


Reviewers: James Ferris, Timothy Clark, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E30 – Ted Cruz’s Meat Heist Foiled By Trainspotting Crocodile

Punwatch S01E30 – Ted Cruz’s Meat Heist Foiled By Trainspotting Crocodile
This weeks Punwatch, featuring guest comedian Claire Sullivan and maybe our longest single round ever.

 
 

This episode is titled “Ted Cruz’s Meat Heist Foiled By Trainspotting Crocodile.” More meat puns than you could shake a sausage at.

Find Claire Sullivan @clairekoolkat on Twitter or on Facebook!


Punsters: Lisa Dib, James Ferris, Alex Malone, Claire Sullivan
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E02 – Model By Day

FtL S03E02 – Model By Day
Famke Janssen is a supermodel with a secret: she also beats up carjackers whilst wearing underwear and a StackHat. Also, boobs. Sexy?

 
 

Two years before her big break as Xenia Onatopp in GoldenEye, Famke Janssen played another sexy femme fatale of sorts; World-famous, globe-trotting supermodel Lex. After seeing her best friend/same-birthday-haver Amy seriously injured in a carjacking, Lex begins a double life as Lady X, a sexy vigilante who uses her martial arts skills to fight crime in the name of downtrodden women everywhere.

Hmm. Well, we say fights crime, but the crimefighting stops being a priority for Lex pretty early on, if it ever was the priority. Also, we say in the name of women everywhere, but it’s really only about Amy, and, um, she’s probably fine, sooooo… Also also, we say sexy, but whenever Model By Day’s attempts at sexy stray beyond, “Look, boobs”, they get a little… confused.

Confusion is rife in this episode of Failure to Launch; this one took us a while to unpack. Rest assured, though, by the end we’ll get to the bottom of everything that went wrong in Model By Day.

Except the StackHat. I’ll never understand the StackHat.

Show notes:

IMDB – Model By Day


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S03E01 – The Best of Times

FtL S03E01 – The Best of Times
Nic Cage and Crispin Glover star in an 80s teen variety sketch… thing? We think?

 
 

Failure to Launch is BACK with one of the most divisive, confused, dare we say Baffling™ pilots we’ve seen Crispin Glover try on jeans during.

Nicolas Cage, Crispin Glover and a slew of other teenagers bring us many, many, MANY vignettes of life as a 1980s All-American teen; a life that’s often musical and only occasionally involves serious property damage and/or existential despair.

Also, Jackie Mason’s there, playing a character with the last name ‘O’Reilly’. We’d tell you more but, honestly, we’re still not totally sure what this thing was.

Crispin Glover definitely tries on jeans though. That happened. We think.

Show notes:

IMDB – The Best of Times
Wikipedia – The Best of Times


Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib
Soundboards: Alex Malone, Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E29 – Shampoo Bottle Makes Fart Noise, Scares Ellie Goulding’s Possum

Punwatch S01E29 – Shampoo Bottle Makes Fart Noise, Scares Ellie Goulding’s Possum
This week’s Punwatch, with Science Communicator / Comedian Tom Lang and the mother of all fizzles.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Shampoo Bottle Makes Farting Noise, Scares Ellie Goulding’s Possum.” Despite a late scare, someone had a big night.

Find Tom Lang @langaround on Twitter!


Punsters: Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, David Shaw & Tom Lang
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E28 – Willem Dafoe Wins Legal Battle Over Circus-Trained Budgies

Punwatch S01E28 – Willem Dafoe Wins Legal Battle Over Circus-Trained Budgies
This week’s Punwatch, featuring wordplay about wordplay *Inception noise*.

 
 

This episode is entitled, “Willem Dafoe Wins Legal Battle Over Circus-Trained Budgies.” Once again, we must apologise to people outside of Melbourne who won’t get our superb Richmond puns.


Punsters: Lisa Dib, Alex Malone & David Shaw
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E27 – ScarJo & Jolie’s Competitive Shoe Drive Unaffected By Crescent Moon

Punwatch S01E27 – ScarJo & Jolie’s Competitive Shoe Drive Unaffected By Crescent Moon
This week’s Punwatch, featuring guest punster Peter Jones and a lack of quality smack talk.

 
 

This episode is titled, “ScarJo & Jolie’s Competitive Shoe Drive Unaffected By Crescent Moon.” Incidentally, the new star sign is Ophiuchus; if you were born between November 29 and December 17, you’re an Ophiciuchian. He’s a doctor, or something.

Find Peter at @PeterTheJones on Twitter!


Punsters: Lisa Dib, James Ferris, David Shaw & Peter Jones
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E26 – Eminem Sells Off Parts Of Puffing Billy In Bid To Avoid Novelty Jail Term

Punwatch S01E26 – Eminem Sells Off Parts Of Puffing Billy In Bid To Avoid Novelty Jail Term
This week’s Punwatch, featuring guest punster Timothy Clark and more singing than usual.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Eminem sells off parts of Puffing Billy in bid to avoid novelty jail term.” The other story was a bit too depressing to work into the title :(

Find Timothy Clark at @MrTimothyClark on Twitter!


Punsters: Lisa Dib, James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw & Timothy Clark
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E25 – Ticket Inspectors Trapped In Office With Embassy Cat By Angry Parent With Volvo

Punwatch S01E25 – Ticket Inspectors Trapped In Office With Embassy Cat By Angry Parent With Volvo
This week’s Punwatch, featuring jokes about Napoleon and his silly hat.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Ticket Inspectors Trapped In Office With Embassy Cat By Angry Parent With Volvo.” Harry’s also in this one, with Realistic Moral Support Action!®


Punsters: Alex Malone, Lisa Dib & James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E24 – Magpies lose match against 10,000 year old bear at cancelled Phil Collins show

Punwatch S01E24 – Magpies lose match against 10,000 year old bear at cancelled Phil Collins show
This week’s Punwatch, in which one punster loses really, really slowly. It’s like watching someone fall over in slow motion.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Magpies lose match against 10,000 year old bear at cancelled Phil Collins show.”. That guy from The Block is in there too, but his story sucked so it doesn’t get into the title. That’ll show him.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Lisa Dib & James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E23 – Tony the Tiger says ‘No More Photos Of Terry Wogan Holding Butter’

Punwatch S01E23 – Tony the Tiger says ‘No More Photos Of Terry Wogan Holding Butter’
This week’s Punwatch, with a host who’s glad that Terry Wogan story got delayed by a couple of months, in retrospect.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Tony the Tiger says ‘No More Photos Of Terry Wogan Holding Butter’”. This is an unavoidably blue episode. You’ll hear why.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Harry Brimage & James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E22 – Andy Warhol & Ai Weiwei Ride Super-Hot Horses Around After Train and Boat Breakdowns

Punwatch S01E22 – Andy Warhol & Ai Weiwei Ride Super-Hot Horses Around After Train and Boat Breakdowns
This week’s Punwatch, with a really long discussion of the logistics of the “12 Days of Christmas” that was cut out for time.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Andy Warhol & Ai Weiwei Ride Super-Hot Horses Around After Train and Boat Breakdowns”. Dave suspects The Age have lifted their pun game.


Punsters: Alex Malone, David Shaw, Lisa Dib & James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E21 – Hugh Laurie Autographs ‘Dinosaur Sex’ Edition Monopoly With Lewd Signature

Punwatch S01E21 – Hugh Laurie Autographs ‘Dinosaur Sex’ Edition Monopoly With Lewd Signature
This week’s Punwatch, with a brief discussion of spoiler warnings for an entire school (if you haven’t seen Star Wars yet it’s your own fault.)

 
 

This episode is titled, “Hugh Laurie Autographs ‘Dinosaur Sex’ Edition Monopoly With Lewd Signature.” We get classist, but about rich people, so it’s ok. /sarcasm


Punsters: Alex Malone, Harry Brimage, Lisa Dib & James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

The Failure To Launch Season 2 Best-Worst Wrap Up: Part 1

The Failure To Launch Season 2 Best-Worst Wrap Up: Part 1

Season 2 of Failure to Launch has tied up, so it’s time to crack out something to replace this week’s Punwatch the Best Of/Worst Of Wrap-up!

In Part One, Ferris, Lisa & Fabs run you though their personal best & worst season 2 pilots. Once again, just the ones they watched, in case you were wondering why Juiced or Gay Robot wasn’t everyone’s worst pilot.


James Ferris, Host & Pilot Excavator

Ferris’ Best

3rd Best: The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour
The juries still out on just how intentionally bad this show was, but I’m an optimist so I’m going to go ahead and assume this particular show was very deliberately left in the hands of two bumbling (although very sweet) idiots.

I still have no idea why anyone ever thought reality stars should transition to variety stars, but I hope to God there’s more of these pilots out there. I lay awake at night, burning with the curiosity of what the cast of Duck Dynasty or The Only Way is Essex could do with the format.

2nd Best: Hollyweird
I gave this a lot of shit when we first reviewed it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I would have loved this show in highschool. In fact I can easily see myself in some parallel dimension, having nostalgic all day marathons of this show now, had it been picked up.

Sure it was needlessly cynical, way too dark, and shallow to the point of meaninglessness. But it was also fun and silly and occasionally capable of a sort of okay one-liner. So basically this show and Highschool-Ferris were exactly the same.

The Best: Tarzan in Manhattan
What an utter joy. I’ll never forget where I was the first time I witnessed the power and majesty that was Joe Lara. Actually, I couldn’t tell you exactly where I was since I’d become lost in the soulful, bottomless pools that are his eyes. But even putting aside the pinnacle of masculine beauty, how could you not love this show? A naturist Tarzan travels to New York where he meets a sarcastic, jaded cabbie and her trigger happy, dangerously traumatised father, to combat a mad scientist bent on gaining super intelligence by eating monkey brains. Thats not a TV show, it’s proof of a loving God.

Also, had this gone to series it would have involved these three lunatics starting a detective agency with a monkey! The fact that it didn’t get picked up kind of disproves the whole “proof of a loving God” thing, but Tarzan in Manhattan is still a treasure.

Ferris’ Worst

3rd Worst: Blood Ties
None of the characters talk about the incest!! None of them! Like, it’s just totally not an issue for any of them. Was this show actually supposed to be set in a world where vampires secretly rule California and there is no societal taboo regarding sex with blood relatives? Because if so, they leant way too hard on the vampire part.

Maybe the vampires are cool with it, I can handle that. Vampires regularly kill innocent people to survive, and they don’t reproduce sexually anyway, so sure if your vampires want to keep it in the family, I can roll with that.

But when the very human reporter discovers that the powerful, corrupt dynasty she’s been trying to unravel for years are just one big family fuck-puddle even she doesn’t blink and eye. And that’s before she realises that they’re vampires! If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s poor fictional journalism.

2nd Worst: Wheel of Time
This isn’t even technically a pilot so much as a negotiation strategy in an intellectual property dispute, but nevertheless it’s out there and it exists. Even the great Billy Zane himself can’t drag this wet dog fart of a show into anything that would fit a sane person’s definition of entertainment.

It’s genuinely amazing how little happens in this 20 or so minutes of television. A man wandering around an empty house calling out “Ilyena” on repeat is somehow made even more boring than it sounds, and these characters apparently aren’t even really followed in the books. But as lazy as it is and as shallow as it’s motivations for existing may be, this pilot doesn’t manage to take the title of worst show of the year. Mainly because Billy Zane is (as always) fun and charming to watch and at no point does the show actually condone a real life murder.

The Worst: Juiced!
This actually exists. Here. On Earth. This show that turns the brutal murder of two innocent people into an excuse for a series of barely intelligible hidden camera stunts and long distance photography of a sociopath flirting with disinterested women, actually really exists. The same planet where you play with puppies and had your first kiss, also had OJ Simpson getting paid to drunkenly joke about selling a bullet-ridden Bronco in a used car lot.

This thing happened, and we all stood by and let it. The world is a filthier, nastier place because this exists, and if I were a better person I would have let you all carry on with your lives, blissfully unaware of it’s existence. But I am not a good person. Because I – like all of us – have been Juiced.


Lisa Dib, Dog-loving Panellist

Lisa’s Best

3rd Best: Shangri-La Plaza
Although I wasn’t on this FTL episode, I watched Shangri-La Plaza after listening (despite, or perhaps because of, Dave’s seething hatred for it) and really enjoyed it. As a devotee of musicals, comedy and screen depictions of terrible customer service, I found SLP very odd – compliment – and weirdly fun. So much was incongruous and misshapen, but that is no doubt why the thing never got off the ground in the first place, so we take it as a point of it’s charm.

2nd Best: Baffled!
Considering the time period (1973), I expected Baffled! to be a whole lot worse. I was pleasantly surprised when the plot ticked along fairly routinely (save some bizarre cuts), the cast was made of competent actors and the idea – tolerably silly – was executed without the long, dull expositions and cheesy, hammy and other lunchables-y OTT acting that seems to run through 70s cinema and TV. Plus, Nimoy! Nimoy, bitches!

The Best: The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour
If you had sat through as many pseudo-intense action dramas as I have for this podcast (though, in fairness, not nearly as many as Ferris has- god have mercy on his soul), you would long for some comedic relief and light funtertainment, too. Some sweet soft cheese to wash away the bitter offal. This show was – I maintain – very tongue-in-cheek funny, silly and nice-weird, especially the way Nick Lachey keeps demanding to shave you. Yes, you.

Lisa’s Worst

3rd Worst: Darkman
What the hell, pilot? WTF were you even doing? Why all the yelling at homeless children? Why so much brooding expositional voiceover? Why was Darkman such an whining diaper baby? Why was there no logic to a show that presumably took at least a few minutes to make?

Why did I have to sit in my home, where I live, and be exposed to this pilot’s hideous laziness and Nine Inch Nails film clip aesthetic? Who cared so little for the medium of television that they allowed this to happen? No questions answered, and now I die.

2nd Worst: Faceless
Even though I could technically see the merit of Faceless, I was so unendingly bored while watching it that I made better use of my time by categorising my cornflakes by size, shape and flake density.

1st Worst: Juiced!
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

Although it would seem like the relatively small reach we have as a wee podcast would not do much to stem the tide of evil detritus and visual filth coming from TV land, it was imperative that we did something. How can any decent human being who watched Juiced! have the temerity to withhold warnings to others? How would I have slept at night if I had not alerted our listenership to the horrors awaiting them on YouTube, should they find themselves in the vicinity of this televisual abortion?

I am not a perfect person; I bestow goodwill where I can, and try my hardest to make this god-forsaken planet as bearable as possible for myself and those around me. I could not have lived my life with honour knowing that I had sat and shrugged as helpless men, women and children had seen Juiced! with their human eyes. Short is the path to hell for those who see evil and turn away. God help us.


Fabian Lapham, Rankled Nerd Panellist

Fabs’ Best

3rd Best: Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Quite a lot of Marvel mythos made its way into this Hasselhoff vehicle. It’s a bit of fun, but I’m glad Jack Kirby was too dead to watch it.

Memoir From Another Timeline:
This long-running show continued to use all it could from the Marvel Universe, including X-Men, Spider-Man and Iron Man. The gaudy TV versions of these characters appealed to the hardcore fans, but they reportedly put the kibosh on several film adaptions of these characters after the studios saw how the characters fared in this shit-fest. As such, there has been no Marvel films since the Blade trilogy. It’s perhaps for the best, some characters just don’t work on screen.

2nd Best: Tarzan In Manhattan
The chemistry Tony Curtis has with chimpanzees goes a long way. This whole thing is dumb fun, and though the ‘dumb’ is grossly disproportionate to the ‘fun’, I would have watched this show when I was a little kid. I don’t think that’s the hypothetical demo the show wanted, but that’s the hypothetical demo the show’s getting.

Memoir From Another Timeline:
All the kids at lunch-time would play ‘Tarzan’; the coolest kids, of course, would opt to be Tarzan, or sometimes Sherlock (after the big S5 crossover with 1994 Baker Street). Because I am overweight I am usually forced to play ’The Ringleader’, a S3 villain who repeatedly tries to catch Tarzan & Cheetah so he can put Tarzan in his circus (and so he can eat Cheetah). One day I find a faithful comic book adaption of the original Tarzan – it is dark, largely set in the jungle, and almost entirely devoid of long-lost twin shenanigans. I report my findings to the other kids who duly report to me that if I can’t commit to the “real” Tarzan then I can’t play with them anymore.

The Best: The Time Tunnel
As fleetingly mentioned on the podcast, I’m a sucker for time-travel fiction to the point where I’m compelled to give a time-travel story a chance against all other odds. It’s hardly an addiction… why, I waited a full two years before I watched Richard Curtis’ hot diarrhoea painting About Time… but time travel does indeed grease m’old cockles*, which is why The Time Tunnel manages to eke its way into my Top 3.

* I was going to say “time travel curries my favour”, but I decided mentioning curry so soon after diarrhoea was poor form. I’m not sure “grease” was a terrific replacement.

Memoir From Another Timeline:
As Time Tunnel dominated the ratings, NBC pulled the plug on Heroes before it could reach a second season (fleets of Heroes-devotees badgered NBC to renew the show which was no doubt ended just as it was starting to get good). Meanwhile, Time Tunnel stays the course, swapping out big-budget spectacle for an entertaining season-antagonist The Tempus (Hugh Laurie). I watch it on TV unless my dipshit housemate John is home, as John still watches Secret Life of Us, which is on at the same time. It’s easier just to torrent Time Tunnel, as no one in the house owns a VCR anymore and nobody is ever going to put up a torrent of Secret Life of Us.

Fabs’ Worst

3rd Worst: Driving Miss Daisy
Like nibbling at a stale cake that an elderly relative forgot to bake sugar into, and just as you reach the centre, the elderly relative yells the n-word at you.

Memoir From Another Timeline:
I have a painful memory of my Auntie marathoning of this show very loudly while I was extremely sick with the flu. Torture.

2nd Worst: The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour
Sure, there might have been good writers involved who were doing the best they could with what they had, but what they had was Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson performing comedy, and I just can’t get behind that. It’s like if a world famous chef prepared a meal for monkeys at a zoo, and instead of savouring the meal the monkeys instead performed a 6 minute country & western song.

Memoir From Another Timeline:
I have a painful memory of my housemate marathoning this show this very loudly while I was severely hungover. Awful.

1st Worst: Neighbours with Benefits
NETWORK NOTE:
“Hi Mark, I just googled this ‘sex’ thing everyone’s been talking about and realised there’s absolutely none of it in the pilot. I understand the censors won’t let us show the act, but could we still allude to it or have some sort of build-up to it? Failing that, let’s just have the cast just talk about how good the “lifestyle” is. This will probably be more appealing than porn. Good work.”

Memoir From Another Timeline:
I have a painful memory of my ex-girlfirend marathoning this show this very loudly while I died from pneumonia. Nightmare.


Punwatch S01E20 – Oprah Escapes Rude Robot-Armed Neighbour With Racing Catamaran

Punwatch S01E20 – Oprah Escapes Rude Robot-Armed Neighbour With Racing Catamaran
This week’s Punwatch, with more Dave hosting and more tenuous Melbourne suburb puns! Sorry, everyone outside of Melbourne. There’s only 4 or 5, I swear.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Oprah Escapes Rude Robot-Armed Neighbour With Racing Catamaran”. We recorded outdoors, sorry about the clicking sound.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Andrew Cherry & James Ferris
Host: Dave Shaw

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E19 – Cheeky Right Wing Thugs Destroy Street Art With Curling Brooms

Punwatch S01E19 – Cheeky Right Wing Thugs Destroy Street Art With Curling Brooms
This week’s episode of Punwatch, with Dave in the hosting seat! C’mon lads, it’s his first time, give him a go.

 
 

This episode is titled “Cheeky Right Wing Thugs Destroy Street Art With Curling Brooms.” Before you ask, “cheeky” does indeed refers to bum cheeks.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Lisa Dib & James Ferris
Host: Dave Shaw

 

Bum.

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E18 – Josh Hutcherson Nude Skype Call Thrown Out Of Court

Punwatch S01E18 – Josh Hutcherson Nude Skype Call Thrown Out Of Court
Brand new Punwatch, returning after a month long break, with stories featuring Taylor Swift & Jennifer Lawrence (again. Sorry, the Metro has a wheelhouse.)

 
 

This episode is titled “Josh Hutcherson Nude Skype Call Thrown Out Of Court.” Everyone hated the last story.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, James Ferris, Dave Shaw, Harry Brimage
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E17 – Prince Charles Slips On Trapped Owl Vomit

Punwatch S01E17 – Prince Charles Slips On Trapped Owl Vomit
This week’s Punwatch, the only pun-based quiz game that talked about Man O Man (Pretty sure on this one.)

 
 

This episode is titled “Prince Charles Slips On Trapped Owl Vomit.” Someone has a return to form.


Punsters: Alex Malone, James Ferris, Dave Shaw
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E16 – Stolen sheep struggle with Blanchett-Labeouf-Xi Jinping Shag-Marry-Kill combo

Punwatch S01E16 – Stolen sheep struggle with Blanchett-Labeouf-Xi Jinping Shag-Marry-Kill combo
The 16th episode of Punwatch, the only pun-based podcast that’s sure it’d marry Elijah Wood.

 
 

This episode is titled “Stolen sheep struggle with Blanchett-Labeouf-Xi Jinping Shag-Marry-Kill combo”. Also there’s more controversy over a tenuous (if excellent) Bond pun.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, David Shaw, James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E15 – Coal Tit Wins Yacht After Beating Kanye In Curry Contest

Punwatch S01E15 – Coal Tit Wins Yacht After Beating Kanye In Curry Contest
It’s episode 15 of Punwatch, the only pun-based quiz game with sizzling hot takes like “Robin Thicke is a dickhead” and “Kanye’s a bit weird, hey.”

 
 

This episode is titled, “Coal Tit Wins Yacht After Beating Kanye In Curry Contest.” It’s a bird, obviously. As in the Tit. The Coal Tit. A Coal Tit is a bir… never mind.


Punsters: Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E14 – Kirsten Dunst’s Awkward Haircut After Cricket Themed Playboy Issue Incorrectly Administers Viagra

Punwatch S01E14 – Kirsten Dunst’s Awkward Haircut After Cricket Themed Playboy Issue Incorrectly Administers Viagra
Episode 14 of Punwatch, the only pun-based game show that stops to consider whether or not you can make a good sports movie about tennis.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Kirsten Dunst’s Awkward Haircut After Cricket Themed Playboy Issue Incorrectly Administers Viagra.” Also, Cherry has a very mild stroke. Watch out for the surprise bonus rounds!*


Punsters: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, David (Alex) Shaw, Alex Malone
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

*They changed nothing.

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E13 – Tom Hanks, Emma Stone, Taylor Swift & FKA Twigs Featured In Several Puff Pieces

Punwatch S01E13 – Tom Hanks, Emma Stone, Taylor Swift & FKA Twigs Featured In Several Puff Pieces
Episode S01E13 of Punwatch, with more controversial referee decisions!*

 
 

This episode is titled, “Tom Hanks, Emma Stone, Taylor Swift & FKA Twigs Featured In Several Puff Pieces”. I dunno. It wasn’t a theme week, this just kind of… happened.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

*They wouldn’t shut up about tailors. You listen and tell me I was wrong to step in – AC

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E12 – 50 Shades Star Turns Old Tower Into Star Wars Themed Golf Resort

Punwatch S01E12 – 50 Shades Star Turns Old Tower Into Star Wars Themed Golf Resort
This week’s episode of Punwatch, now with a much shorter running time because Alex wasn’t on!

 
 

This episode is titled “50 Shades star turns old tower into Star Wars themed golf resort.” Seriously, we’ve been trying to get the running time down. Turns out the answer was “don’t bring the guy who writes 30+ puns per story”.


Punsters: David Shaw, Lisa Dib, James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E10 – Fred Durst & Jay Z Pay 30p To Urinate On Daniel Radcliffe’s Antique Bentley

Punwatch S01E10 – Fred Durst & Jay Z Pay 30p To Urinate On Daniel Radcliffe’s Antique Bentley
A bumper 5-story episode of Punwatch, with a down-to-the-wire result and an argument about the definition of biscuit we didn’t get back to.

 
 

This episode is titled, “Fred Durst & Jay Z Pay 30p To Urinate On Daniel Radcliffe’s Antique Bentley.” I know, it’s clumsy. You try working 5 stories into one stupid headline.


Punsters: Alex Malone, James Ferris, David Shaw, Lisa Dib
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E25 – Baffled!

FtL S02E25 – Baffled!
Leonard Nimoy is a psychic race-car driver who has to a foil a fountain of youth/identify theft mystery in an old English mansion. What don’t you understand?

 
 

In the Failure to Launch season finale, we go out with a baffling bang. Or, I guess, a crash, a premonition and age-disguising lighting.

Old mate Leonard Nimoy plays Tom, a race-car driver who develops psychic powers somehow and get whisked off to “merry” old England to solve a number of odd mysteries in one big creepy mansion. We couldn’t really grasp why a lot of it was happening but after last week’s episode, we were just happy not to have been violently vomiting onto the floor.

That’s it for this season; Failure to Launch returns early next year. See you then, Internet!

Show notes:

IMDB – Baffled!
Wikipedia – Baffled!


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Vintage mX Punwatch – Thousands Of Ducklings Punch A Horse With A Dick Drawn On It’s Face

Vintage mX Punwatch – Thousands Of Ducklings Punch A Horse With A Dick Drawn On It’s Face
Another vintage episode of mX Punwatch, featuring guest comedian Travis Nash, an Alex-Ferris showdown, and a bunch of really, really dark stories.

 
 

This episode is titled “Thousands Of Ducklings Punch A Horse With A Dick Drawn On It’s Face”. It’ll make sense when you listen, I swear.

Regular Punwatch will resume next week, with a bumper 5 PUN BRITISH EDITION.


Punsters: Alex Malone, James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E24 – Juiced with OJ Simpson

FtL S02E24 – Juiced with OJ Simpson
A hidden camera prank show starring…*sigh*…OJ Simpson. Sure, why not.

 
 

This week, we allegedly murdered our collective will to continue the podcast by subjecting ourselves to “Juiced”, a hidden camera prank “show” starring sportsman, actor and…guy OJ Simpson. OJ does what Jackass was doing when those guys were 13, only with more gratutious female nudity, bad rapping and poorly thought-out “ideas”.

Now that we have seen this slight against God of a pilot, we can only pray for future generations, and you, to never have to witness the birth of the spawn of the Dark One, or this show.

Have mercy.

Show notes:

Vice – I Was OJ Simpson’s Accomplice (on His Hidden-Camera Prank Show)

Filmdrunk – Remembering ‘Juiced,’ OJ Simpson’s Bizarre, Punk’d-Style Prank Video

IMDB – Juiced with OJ Simpson


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Dave Shaw

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E23 – Alexander the Great

FtL S02E23 – Alexander the Great
William Shatner & Adam West star in the sort of 60s historical war epic your dad would’ve fallen asleep in front of on a Sunday afternoon.

 
 

The year is 1964. Producer Selig J. Seligman convinces the American Broadcasting Corporation to dump a truckload of money into the pilot episode of Alexander the Great, a historical war series on an epic scale (for TV, at least). ABC watched it, said no, and as this was the 60s and there wasn’t some dumb cable channel to dump it on at 2am, the pilot was placed on a shelf to gather dust, never to be aired.

At least, that was the plan, until the bloke who played Alexander (William Shatner) and the bloke who played, um… someone else (Adam West) became Captain Kirk and Batman. ABC realised they could probably trick Star Trek & Batman fans into watching this thing, and chucked it on air in 1968.

And thus, the concept of “pretending a dead pilot is a TV movie” was born.

…sorry? Oh, the pilot! It’s old and dumb and nobody can punch. Also, it was the 60s, so take a guess how well the one female character was portrayed.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Lisa Dib, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: Alex Malone

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E22 – Darkman

FtL S02E22 – Darkman
A 1992 pilot based on a 1990 Sam Raimi movie based on horror film noir of the 1930s. Plus weird face stuff.

 
 

Payton Westlake (Chrisopher Bowen) is Darkman, a man with an only occasional face who likes yelling at homeless children, and old mate Larry Drake is back in villain form as Durant.

This reimagining/weird cut-and-paste job of the Sam Raimi film answers all those questions you might have had about the Darkman character, like: If he’s homeless, how does he get all the gadgets? What’s his beef with bad grammar? Why does synthetic skin boil like lava after an hour and a half? All that, and less!

If you like 90% voice-over explanation dialogue, you’ll love* Darkman!


Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

 
You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

*why would you like that what’s wrong with you

 

Punwatch S01E09 – Eva Mendes Offended By Lethal Leigh’s Phone Voice

Punwatch S01E09 – Eva Mendes Offended By Lethal Leigh’s Phone Voice
This week’s episode of Punwatch, featuring an actually kinda interesting discussion about when it’s ok to make puns about horrible things.

 
 

This episode is titled “Eva Mendes Offended By Lethal Leigh’s Phone Voice”. There’s also a pun about a certain Sydney radio shock Jock who it’s probably best to not name in the description.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Lisa Dib, James Ferris
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E21 – Battletoads

FtL S02E21 – Battletoads
Based on the video game, this pilot ticked all your 90s cartoon boxes: Bizarre catchphrases? Check! Poor animation? Check! BDSM pig monsters? Check!

 
 

Far out! Geekomatic! Hypnotronic! Battletoads!

Written by David Wise, who should have known better, and made for probably 95 cents, Battletoads is a battle courageously yet dumbly across galaxies in the vein of their more famous turtle cousins, to save someone from…something. It’s not super clear. There’s a lot of portals.

We were pretty unanimous on the creepy bird doctor, though.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Fabian Lapham, Lisa Dib, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E08 – Gosling’s Cat Rides Shotgun With One Armed Hungarian

Punwatch S01E08 – Gosling’s Cat Rides Shotgun With One Armed Hungarian
Episode 08 of Punwatch, and it’s a vintage one – featuring guest comedian Andy Matthews!

 
 

This episode is titled “Gosling’s Cat Rides Shotgun With One Armed Hungarian”. It’s the old format, so only 3 stories. Still a corker though – Andy’s probably the best guest player we’ve ever had.


Punsters: Alex Malone, Harry Brimage, Andy Matthews
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E20 – The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour

FtL S02E20 – The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour
“America’s favorite young married couple”, because that’s a thing people say or think ever, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey (98 Degrees) host an 70s-style revue with music, sketches, guests and some wacky surprises that surprise no-one.

 
 

Pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey for some reason host this deeply Sonny and Cher-reminiscent old-school variety show, without the glorious absurdity of Steve Martin or Telly Savales’ giant creepy head. There’s bygone-era musical guests, hackneyed comedy sketches and more duets than you would ever need or want! Variety has never been more various!

We were divided quite harshly on this one: was it bad TV? Was it knowingly and ironically tongue-in-cheek? Was it bad but still ironic? Why all the mentioning of pole vaulting? We couldn’t decide but, in fairness, neither could the show.


Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Lisa Dib, Fabian Lapham
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E07 – Donald Trump Wet Willie’d over Cricket Sex Toy App Scandal

Punwatch S01E07 – Donald Trump Wet Willie’d over Cricket Sex Toy App Scandal
Episode 7 of Punwatch, the pun-based quiz game, now with even more Arguments About Rules!™

 
 

This episode is titled “Donald Trump Wet Willie’d over Cricket Sex Toy App Scandal.” Don’t worry, the first story’s the worst one.


Punsters: Alex Malone, David Shaw, Lisa Dib
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E19 – Danger Island a.k.a. The Presence

FtL S02E19 – Danger Island a.k.a. The Presence
Imagine if Lost had been made in the early 90s and featured way more exploding fruit and giant man-fish monsters. Welcome to Danger Island.

 
 

This early 90s adventure series tells the tale of a disparate group of castaways, stranded on a mysterious tropical island, following a harrowing plane crash. But it’s not Lost. As they battle against the elements and each other, they discover that the island is home to all manner of bizarre unexplainable phenomena. But it’s totally not Lost. Alright?

Things begin to fall into place when they discover an abandoned military outpost. I swear it was over a decade before Lost. An outpost that was conducting bizarre paranormal experiments. Holy shit, I know it sounds like we just watched a few episodes of Lost, but I swear we didn’t.

But if you loved Lost, or hated Lost, or never saw even a single episode of Lost, then Danger Island is just awful either way.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Lisa Dib
Soundboard: David Shaw

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E18 – K-9000

FtL S02E18 – K-9000
To help solve a break in at a laboratory, an old school, tough as nails cop gets teamed up with his new partner, a stuffy, by the books, clean cut young rookie. Who is also a robotic talking dog.

 
 

LA detective Eddie Munroe hates machines and machines seem to hate him, so it’s a twist of cruel fate that sees him teamed up with a German Shepard who’s brain has been replaced with a hitch computer. To be honest Eddie actually rolls with the whole scenario pretty smoothly.

Along the way they’re joined by a sexy scientists who claims to love animals despite performing numerous, painful tests on them as well as helping to build a machine that exists entirely to remove dogs brains while they’re still alive. For money.

But who can get hung up on that when there’s international thieves to thwart, human shields to use and so, so much glass to break? Through it all Eddie and his new pal K9000 learn to laugh, to love and eventually to make dick jokes together.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Alex Malone, Harry Brimage
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E06 – John Farnham steals petrol slightly earlier in South Australia

Punwatch S01E06 – John Farnham steals petrol slightly earlier in South Australia
This week’s episode of Punwatch, the headline pun quiz with gratuitous amounts of Adelaide sledging! (Sorry about that. Your river is very nice.)

 
 

This episode is titled “John Farnham steals petrol slightly earlier in South Australia”. There’s also a Mariah Carey pun in there, but the less said about it, the better.


Punsters: Alex Malone, David Shaw, James Ferris, Lisa Dib
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E17 – Driving Miss Daisy

FtL S02E17 – Driving Miss Daisy
CBS tried to convert the touching 1989 Oscar winner into a laugh-track sitcom. Even more boring than it sounds, except for, ah… this one bit.

 
 

This week we examine Driving Miss Daisy, an attempt by CBS to cash in on the Oscar winning film by converting it into a laugh-a-minute sitcom, with such wacky antics as “Hoke fixes the cabinet door”, and “Miss Daisy meets Eleanor Roosevelt and it goes fine.”

This sounds dull (and it is), so it might surprise you to know that this pilot garnered protests when it aired in 1992. Give this episode a listen and… you just might understand why.


Reviewers: James Ferris, David Shaw, Fabian Lapham
Soundboard: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E05 – Harper Lee’s The Raven a hit with ants and wicket keepers

Punwatch S01E05 – Harper Lee’s The Raven a hit with ants and wicket keepers
Another episode of Punwatch, featuring the James Ferris Harry Brimage TAG TEAM! *guitar solo, chair gets smashed over head*

 
 

This episode is titled “Harper Lee’s The Raven a hit with ants and wicket keepers” (18 Across).


Punsters: Alex Malone, David Shaw, James Ferris/Harry Brimage
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E16 – Gay Robot

FtL S02E16 – Gay Robot
Nick Swardson’s pilot about a Gay Robot who’s gay, and a robot. He says lots of gay stuff, ‘cause he’s a Gay Robot. Gay. Gay gay gay.
 
This is one for the FtL history books.

 
 

From the Book of Failure, S2-16:

“The man, who was named Ferris, toiled in the fields of the Internet, searching for a pilot which was of formidable quality. He went up from Rutube.ru to Torrentfreak, but he would not be satisfied, and no merchant of pilots whose lights were not green could impress him with his wares.

After many days wandering the desert of Wiki, he collapsed, and at this time the Lord of Bad Pilots appeared to him in a vision, taking the forms of Billy Zane and Adrianne Palicki. “Oh Lords”, cried Ferris, “End my suffering! Provide unto me a hyperlink to the pilot which shall destroy television, and bring about the end of all screen entertainment!”

With these words, the Lord Billy Zane did smile upon him, as the Lord Adrianne Palicki speaketh, “Don’t really have anything like that. We’ve got this thing called Gay Robot though. Will that do?”

“Fuckin’ done!” cried Ferris

And then Ferris saw some children, and he cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.”*

*That bit is from 2 Kings 2:23-24. Seemed appropriate though.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, Andrew Cherry
Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E04 – Sepp Blatter, Greek Debt and Danny Deckchair

Punwatch S01E04 – Sepp Blatter, Greek Debt and Danny Deckchair
The most controversial episode of Punwatch yet! (In terms of rules violations. The puns are as tame as usual.)

 
 

This episode’s title is Sepp Blatter, Greek Debt and Danny Deckchair. Also, one reference to Regurgitator. It didn’t fit.


Punsters: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E15 – Blood Ties

FtL S02E15 – Blood Ties
An early 90s attempt at “sexy vampires” for TV, except the sex was all incest-based. We can’t prove this show single-handedly delayed the genre by a decade, but I’d drop a tenner on it.

 
 

This week we examine Blood Ties, a 1991 attempt to bring the “vampires live among us, and they’re SEXY” genre to life over a decade before HBO did it with True Blood.

The problem, however, was that this was a network show. So where HBO added sex appeal into True Blood with Tons o’ Nudity and Sex™, Blood Ties had to settle for sexy innuendos. When it turned out they couldn’t write sexy innuendos (there’s a twinkie metaphor that isn’t the obvious one), they tried adding incest to spice things up, which is akin to spicing up a curry with a small scale chemical fire.

Also, one of the vampires was named Corey Puckett. Even without the incest, this was the level of sexiness we were working with.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone
Soundboard: David Shaw

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E03 – Manspreading, Tinder and Prison Breaks

Punwatch S01E03 – Manspreading, Tinder and Prison Breaks
Another episode of Punwatch, now features Probably Too Many Dick Jokes!™

 
 

This episode’s title is Manspreading, Tinder and Prison Breaks. Also includes more laundry puns than you’d think.


Punsters: James Ferris, Alex Malone, David Shaw
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E14 – Mickey & Nora

FtL S02E14 – Mickey & Nora
Textbook 80s sitcom in which a former CIA agent juggles his new job, new wife, and wacky best friend/disgraced West-African dictator Colonel Ntsunge (okay, not quite textbook.)

 
 

This week’s FtL examines Mickey & Nora, a boilerplate 80s sitcom about the travails of a young newly-married couple and their wacky, disgraced West-African dictator sidekick, Colonel Ntsunge. And wacky side-characters don’t come much wackier than the Colonel, as he bumbles through American customs, mispronounces catch phrases, and threatens his political enemies with ethnic cleansing.

Mickey is a former CIA agent now working as a go-go eighties lawyer, only (wouldn’t-ya-know-it) nobody believes he’s left the agency! And for some reason everybody knows that he was in the agency! And he still acts and works and behaves like he’s in the agency!! And – I can’t stress this enough – his best friend is a disgraced Senegalese dictator hell bent on returning to power. It kind of seems like he’s still in the agency!

Only he can’t be in the agency, see, because if was still in the agency then that would mean he wouldn’t be allowed to nail his wife… and he really, really, really wants to nail his wife. Like, give it a rest Mickey. There are people over. People who have been charged with war crimes.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Andrew Cherry, Alex Malone
Soundboard: Harry Brimage

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E13 – Out of Time

FtL S02E13 – Out of Time
A cop from the future travels to 1988 to wreck the future. Isn’t the bad guy. Time Travel has never been so much like a student art film.

 
 

Channing Taylor is a cop from the future who’s out to prove that policing is a people’s job and not a computer’s. So he goes back in time to convince his Grandpa (Bill Maher) that Adam Ant’s evil plot to cure all diseases has to be stopped, and the only way to do it is to break every time travel rule and irreparably ruin the future. But Bill Maher is determined to make policing a computer’s job and not a people’s.

Can Channing and Grandpa see eye to eye? Can you wrap a man in fruit loops? Can you cut to every single shot in a feature length pilot with the sound of a broken jack-in-the-box? Only TIME will tell.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Harry Brimage, Alex Malone, David Shaw
Soundboard: Fabian Lapham

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

Punwatch S01E02 – PE Teachers, Irish Golf and Matthew Boyd

Punwatch S01E02 – PE Teachers, Irish Golf and Matthew Boyd
It’s another episode of Punwatch, Australia’s second-favourite wordplay game (behind Burgo’s Catchphrase™).

 
 

This episode is entitled, “PE Teachers, Irish Golf and Matthew Boyd.”

Plus more tattoos. Bit of an oversight there, assigning 2 tattoo stories in 2 weeks. Call your host rusty.


Punsters: Lisa Dib, James Ferris, Alex Malone
Host: Andrew Cherry

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

FtL S02E12 – Faceless

FtL S02E12 – Faceless
Sean Bean is Eddie Prey, who is actually John Robson, who is in fact played by Brett Cullen. Look, you might wanna take notes on this one. It gets dense.

 
 

This week, Failure to Launch examines Faceless, a gritty crime drama in which Game of Thrones star Sean Bean actually lives to the end credits for once! Although the opening scene is him getting shot in the face. So y’know, grain of salt.


Reviewers: James Ferris, Martin Dunlop, Lisa Dib, Alex Malone
Soundboard: Harry Brimage

 

You can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re so inclined, via RSS or iTunes.

 

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