Failure to Launch

FtL S04E06 – Microcops

Bidra and Nardo are Intergalactic Space cops hot on the tail of dangerous space fugitive “Cloyd” guilty of the worst crime of all… hilarity.

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FtL S04E05 – Slickers

Michael Richards, Dana Carvey and a supernaturally disobedient dog are odd-couple cops in a town whose population-to-schmaltz ratio was judged toxic by the EPA.

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FtL S04E04 – Blade Squad

In a dystopic future, a team of elite cops use rollerblades and jetpacks to fight crime. This pilot couldn’t be more 90s if it was soaked in Gak®.

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FtL S04E03 – Lost in Oz

Xander Allan joins us to watch Melissa George get sucked up into a tornado and thrown into the perplexingly boring world of Oz.

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FtL S04E02 – Turner & Hooch

Claire Sullivan returns to help us watch Biff from Back To The Future reluctantly adopt a dog, a child and several bread rolls.

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FtL S04E01 – Northstar

GREG EVIGAN is Major Jack North, an astronaut who gains superhuman powers when he is struck right in the god damn eye by a solar flare. So naturally he uses his expanded intellect and strength to solve crime so hard he almost dies. He just keeps doing it. Just stop, Jack. Just stop.

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The Summer of Joe Lara – Hologram Man

Joe fights his ultimate nemesis – another B-movie actor with even 90s-er hair than Joe’s! Or he would fight him, if not for the constant explosions.

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The Summer of Joe Lara – Starfire Mutiny

Joe Lara fights a sleepy white supremacist during what isn’t a mutiny on a ship that isn’t called Starfire.

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The Summer of Joe Lara – American Cyborg: Steel Warrior

Joe Lara fights a cyborg with a bad moustache for the future of humanity, in a film that rips off Children of Men despite preceding it by 20 years.

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FtL S03E19 – Running Delilah

BILLY ZANE turns not-great-spy Kim Cattrall into a robot after her not-great-spying gets her killed. She’s still not-great at spying, but at least she’s a robot.

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FtL S03E18 – Starstruck

In this week’s Failure to Launch we join the Mcallister clan as they dish up their famous homemade apple pie at the Midway Inn. On a space station. In the twenty second century. To aliens.

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FtL S03E17 – Mr. Ed

This week’s Failure to Launch sees the return of a horse of course. Of course, if you’re making a show about a talking horse, of course that horse will be a family-friendly lovable horse, unless of course that horse is Mr. Ed.

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FtL S03E16 – Journey to the Center of the Earth

F. Murray Abraham fires himself into a volcano and dies. Later, a group of generic arseholes do the same, but without the dying so it can be a TV show.

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FtL S03E15 – Jessica

Jessica Simpson, beloved pop-star, struggles to launch her career in television by playing a beloved pop-star struggling to launch her career in television.

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FtL S03E14 – The Ghost Writer

Anthony Strack is a horror novelist with writers block, a new wife, a dead wife, a creepy son, a deeply confusing housekeeper and a new daughter who needs the child protection services right fucking now. Seriously. Call them.

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FtL S03E13 – Dr. Strange

1970-era Dr. Strange battles Jessica Walters with Kung-Fu, lasers and the best afro/gold chains/porn ‘stache combo we’ve seen outside of World Series Cricket. Guest starring Michael Williams and Sarah Baggs!

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FtL S03E12 – Sawdust

Dad accidentally buys a circus, and won’t stop firing people & injuring his kids until he makes it work, damnit!

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FtL S03E11 – Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Cam Tyeson helps us examine a TV adaptation of the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie movie (without Pitt and Jolie, obvs) gets worse in a way you probably didn’t expect.

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FtL S03E10 – Justice League of America

90s live action Justice League! Which means no Superman. Or Batman. Or Wonder Woman. Plus, it’s mostly about relationships. Also, David Krumholtz.

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FtL S03E09 – Parallels

Martin Dunlop joins us to ask: Hey you guys remember Sliders? Well apparently somebody at Fox apparently didn’t since they tried to make this shit in 2015.

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FtL S03E08 – Secret Talents of the Stars

Claire Sullivan guests on this week’s Failure to Launch, in which Elaine’s boss from Seinfeld hosts a talent show with b-list celebrities doing things they’re OK at.

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FtL S03E07 – Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again

Eternal teenagers Archie, Betty & Veronica are transformed into adults with ‘adult’ problems. Serious ‘adult’ problems.

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FtL S03E06 – Rag and Bone

Two cops. Ones a priest, the others a ghost. If you’ve ever heard a better pitch, it probably made it past the pilot stage.

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FtL S03E05 – Mr. Stitch

Wil Wheaton and Rutger Hauer spice up Frankenstein with car chases and giant eyeballs. Contains traces of blackface.

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FtL S03E04 – Clerks

Kevin Smith’s Clerks, adapted for TV. So, no swear words. Or sex jokes. Or charm.

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FtL S03E03 – NYPD 2069

A frozen cop wakes up in 2069 (nice) and plays Failure to Launch Cop Show Pilot Bingo – No Fun Edition™.

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FtL S03E02 – Model By Day

Famke Janssen is a supermodel with a secret: she also beats up carjackers whilst wearing underwear and a StackHat. Also, boobs. Sexy?

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FtL S03E01 – The Best of Times

Nic Cage and Crispin Glover star in an 80s teen variety sketch… thing? We think?

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The Failure To Launch Season 2 Best-Worst Wrap Up: Part 1

Season 2 of Failure to Launch has tied up, so it’s time to crack out something to replace this week’s Punwatch the Best Of/Worst Of Wrap-up!

In Part One, Ferris, Lisa & Fabs run you though their personal best & worst season 2 pilots. Once again, just the ones they watched, in case you were wondering why Juiced or Gay Robot wasn’t everyone’s worst pilot.

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FtL S02E25 – Baffled!

In the season finale, Leonard Nimoy is a psychic race-car driver who has to a foil a fountain of youth/identify theft mystery in an old English mansion. What don’t you understand?

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FtL S02E24 – Juiced with OJ Simpson

A hidden camera prank show starring…*sigh*…OJ Simpson. Sure, why not.

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FtL S02E23 – Alexander the Great

William Shatner & Adam West star in the sort of 60s historical war epic your dad would’ve fallen asleep in front of on a Sunday afternoon.

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FtL S02E22 – Darkman

A 1992 pilot based on a 1990 Sam Raimi movie based on horror film noir of the 1930s. Plus weird face stuff.

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FtL S02E21 – Battletoads

Based on the video game, this pilot ticked all your 90s cartoon boxes: bizarre catchphrases? Check! Poor animation? Check! BDSM pig monsters? Check!

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FtL S02E20 – The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey (98 Degrees) host an 70s-style revue with music, sketches, guests and some wacky surprises that surprise no-one.

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FtL S02E19 – Danger Island a.k.a. The Presence

Imagine if Lost had been made in the early 90s and featured way more exploding fruit and giant man-fish monsters. Welcome to Danger Island.

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FtL S02E18 – K-9000

To help solve a break in at a laboratory, an old school, tough as nails cop gets teamed up with his new partner, a stuffy, by the books, clean cut young rookie. Who is also a robotic talking dog.

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FtL S02E17 – Driving Miss Daisy

CBS tried to convert the touching 1989 Oscar winner into a laugh-track sitcom. Even more boring than it sounds, except for, ah… this one bit.

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FtL S02E16 – Gay Robot

Nick Swardson’s pilot about a Gay Robot who’s gay, and a robot. He says lots of gay stuff, ‘cause he’s a Gay Robot. Gay. Gay gay gay.

This is the worst thing we’ve ever seen.

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FtL S02E15 – Blood Ties

An early 90s attempt at “sexy vampires” for TV, except the sex was all incest-based. We can’t prove this show single-handedly delayed the genre by a decade, but I’d drop a tenner on it

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FtL S02E14 – Mickey & Nora

Textbook 80s sitcom in which a former CIA agent juggles his new job, new wife, and wacky best friend/disgraced West-African dictator Colonel Ntsunge (okay, not quite textbook.)

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FtL S02E13 – Out of Time

A cop from the future travels to 1988 to wreck the future. Isn’t the bad guy. Time Travel has never been so much like a student art film.

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FtL S02E12 – Faceless

Sean Bean is Eddie Prey, who is actually John Robson, who is in fact played by Brett Cullen. Look, you might wanna take notes on this one. It gets dense.

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FtL S02E11 – Evel Knievel

In the mid 1970s, CBS noticed that America was in love with famed motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel. That’s why decides to slap his name on this show, which features no actual Evel Knievel and very few stunts.

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FtL S02E10 – Hollyweird

Melissa George teams up with some hip young Los Angelenos to catch a murderous psychopath, who is literally impaling people because he misses some ponies. Can the gang catch him with just a handi-cam and the power of free association? Yes. Yes they can.

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FtL S02E09 – Neighbors With Benefits

Grown men and women engage in very adult activities, mostly by acting like idiot teenagers.

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FtL S02E08 – Island City

Kevin Conroy (Voice of Batman) and his team have 48 hours to find a colleague lost in a future wasteland filled with murderous mutants. They’ll get to it at some point.

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FtL S02E07 – Shangri-la Plaza

An unwilling donut store owner becomes the center of a love triangle for two creepy mechanics. Everybody sings about it. Poorly. Except for those who rap about it. Poorly.

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FtL S02E06 – The Robinsons: Lost in Space

1965’s Lost In Space gets rebooted for the 21st century. Somehow, Dad dragging his unwilling family across space because Dad Says So™ doesn’t quite work anymore.

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FtL S02E05 – Wheel of Time: Winter Dragon

A madman kills his own family (off screen) and then kills himself (off screen) by exploding into a volcano (off screen). From Robert Jordan’s expansive Wheel of Time Universe (Off screen). Has BILLY ZANE.

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FtL S02E04 – Frankenstein

Two cops. One mad scientist. A shit ton of super sad monsters. And a thick layer of grease slopped all over all them.

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FtL S02E03 – Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

David Hasselhoff plays the Marvel super spy in this 1998 pilot, delivering a performance that David Hasselhoff agreed (several times) was better than whoever’s doing it now.

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FtL S02E02 – The Time Tunnel

An old 60s sci-fi gets remade for 2002 – now with more Nazis, bubonic plague and false rape allegations. Fun for the whole family.

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FtL S02E01 – Tarzan In Manhattan

It’s a Tarzan for the go-go 80s when the ape-man wages war on crime and pants in the Big Apple.

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The Failure To Launch Season 1 Best-Worst Wrap Up

The Failure to Launch team run you though their personal best & worst pilots from Season 1.

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FtL S01E27 – Miracle Man

Jesus fights demons (kind of), spreads love and doesn’t care if his friends die in modern-day Phoenix. Made on a budget of 1 potato.

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FtL S01E26 – Annihilator

A newspaper editor’s wife is replaced with a murderous robot. He kills it, along with several other female robots, but not before having sex with most of them. No one believes him.

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FtL S01E25 – Steel Justice

Promises a giant, fire-breathing robot Tyrannosaurus. Delivers a Blade Runner ripoff about a man going mad with grief over the death of his child.

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FtL S01E24 – Hysteria

Mena Suvari investigates a virus spread via social media that infects 3 people, sort of. Entire town panics. Made in 2014(!).

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FtL S01E23 – Earth Angels

Angels & demons fight for the souls of humans with boring conversations and free tequila shots. Wishes it was The Matrix.

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FtL S01E22 – 1994 Baker Street

Sherlock Holmes is unfrozen in mid-90s California to solve a bunch of tiger-based murders with nothing but the clothes on his back and a shitload of cocaine.

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FtL S01E21 – Generation X

Painfully 90s teen X-Men come together to fight Jim Carrey’s version of Freddy Krueger (played by Matt Frewer).

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FtL S01E20 – Bates Motel

Norman Bates’ best buddy from the asylum inherits the Bates Motel, and tries to get it running again. Utterly baffling from start to finish.

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FtL S01E19 – Global Frequency

An out-of-work cop very, VERY luckily stumbles across/into a spy agency whose primary weapons are Nokia 3310s. Based on a Warren Ellis comic.

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FtL S01E18 – FutureSport

Dean Cain saves the world by betting Hawaii on a game of FutureSport, possibly the dumbest fictional sport ever created. Also stars Wesley Snipes as a “Jamaican”.

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FtL S01E17 – Fearless

Rachael Leigh Cook is an FBI agent born without the gene for fear. Based on books from the author of Sweet Valley High. Surprisingly dull despite a scene with an attempted milk drowning (really).

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FtL S01E16 – Emily’s Reasons Why Not

Heather Graham plays a single self-help book editor, in a sitcom that was written either by or for 15 year olds (contains repetitive use of the phrase “that’s gay” and a poo joke).

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FtL S01E15 – Still Life

Jensen Ackles (Supernatural, again) brings his brother’s ashes back to his family after stealing them from the funeral a year ago. It’s 7th Heaven, but serious to the point of being sillier than 7th Heaven.

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FtL S01E14 – Young MacGyver

Jared Padalecki (Supernatural) stars in a 2003 attempt to make MacGyver current and sexy! We think. It was hard to pay attention due to intense boring. Really needed a Richard Dean Anderson cameo.

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FtL S01E13 – Osbournes Reloaded

The Osbournes who aren’t Ozzy drag Ozzy into a 50s style variety show. In 2006. An ill-conceived mess with a stunt that goes as badly as everyone should have expected.

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FtL S01E12 – Doorways

George R. R. Martin creates Sliders about 3 years before Sliders, but forgets to make it any fun. At all. Stars Poochinski’s partner, Robert Knepper and Red from That 70’s Show.

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FtL S01E11 – Tag Team

Jesse “The Body” Ventura and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper get fired from wrestling and become cops, with surprisingly charming results.

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FtL S01E10 – Poochinski

Peter Boyle is a detective. Then he dies, and his soul is trapped in a creepy puppet dog. Not as much fun as it sounds.

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FtL S01E09 – Invincible

Billy Zane is an immortal bad guy turned good guy who trains knockoff-planeteers to fight other Billy Zanes in this Matrix-era piece of martial arts themed batshit insanity.

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FtL S01E08 – Nikki & Nora

Two female detectives, who are secretly lovers, investigate an overly-horrific crime in New Orleans. Being fairly progressive for its time doesn’t save it from also being really bad.

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FtL S01E07 – 17th Precinct

A police department investigates crime in an alternate universe where magic has replaced science. A half-decent concept, let down by the most hilariously lazy/utterly insane execution we’ve ever seen.

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FtL S01E06 – Cruel Intentions 2 (Manchester Prep)

Amy Adams replaces Sarah Michelle-Gellar in a prequel to Cruel Intentions, where everyone tries to fuck the underage main cast. Including their step-parents. It’s meant to be sexy (very much not.)

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FtL S01E05 – Fuzzbucket

A Disney “TV Movie” about a boy and his invisible friend. Was probably supposed to be whimsical & fun. Instead, has a creepy puppet and about half an hour’s plot stretched over 90 minutes.

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FtL S01E04 – Work It

Two unemployed men disguise themselves (poorly) as women to get jobs, because women control the world since the GFC. Not an alternate universe. Horribly offensive in all the ways you’d think, plus a few extra.

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FtL S01E03 – Aquaman

The creators of Smallville gave Aquaman a go in 2006. It looks like 1996. Ving Rhames is in it. It’s real dumb.

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FtL S01E02 – Where’s Rodney?

Rodney Dangerfield (of No Respect fame) gives a 15 year old kid life advice. By life advice, we mean schtick about how dumb Rodney’s wife is/his alcoholism. We’re still worried about that kid.

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FtL S01E01 – Wonder Woman

David E Kelly brings us a borderline-psychotic Wonder Woman who, when not running a billion-dollar multinational corporation that only makes Wonder Woman dolls, kind of fights crime, but mostly fights the justice system.

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